After an unhappy relationship you may be hesitant about entering a new one. Counselling after a relationship has ended can help you come to terms with what has happened to prevent you from taking the problems from your previous relationship into a new one and to avoid taking resentment you felt towards your former partner in your new relationship. It might help you avoid the patterns of behaviour relating to the previous relationship.
The first problem may be finding a new “date”. If your friends and family know you are back in circulation they may introduce you to someone. You may meet someone who interests you by pursuing one of your hobbies, by joining a club, starting an evening class or going to meetings. Many people meet respective partners online but be wary that they are what they profess to be.
Peter had always enjoyed Thai food. When he began living alone to fill in the evenings he decided to take an Adult Education Course in Thai cooking. There he met Lisa. They agreed to go to one of Peter’s favourite Thai restaurants and then on another evening, to one of Lisa’s. They found they had much in common and some months later they decided to move in together.
If all goes well and you meet someone who you would like to live with there are a number of things that you should consider in a new relationship but that you probably didn’t have to take account of in your first relationship/marriage.
Children
If either you or your new partner has children from a previous relationship you will need to consider the interaction of each partner and the adults involved. There is a higher rate of breakdown of second than of first marriages or relationships. The second relationship is more complex because of the stress of having to cope with each other, the previous spouse or partner and dealing with each other’s children.
You need to take into account:
- Whether you like your partner’s children
- Does your partner like your children
- Do the children get on well together
- Is the ex-partner likely to be difficult.
Former Partners
If there are children from your previous relationship you will be dealing with the parent of your children on a continuing basis. It is important that you have a courteous and workable relationship between the new partner and the old. You have a common goal which is the children’s welfare.
Financial Matters
These are often more complicated in a second relationship and you must consider the following:
- Standard of living – is your new partner paying maintenance or child support for their previous relationship?
- If you and your new partner receive a Centrelink payment. This may cease automatically if you are cohabiting.
- How will you organise money matters when you live together? It may be wise to see a financial counsellor.
Your New Home
If both of you have a house it may be difficult to choose which one you are going to live in. Conflicts may arise from matters such as furniture, whether to use theirs or yours. It may be that you and your new partner will find it difficult to live in a house previously occupied by the other’s spouse. Consider starting afresh in a different house if you can afford the costs of moving so that it can be a property in which you both love.
De Facto Relationships
If you decide to enter into a De Facto relationship rather than marrying, there are some disadvantages. Your children will be regarded as illegitimate or ex-nuptial. There may be problems outside Australia. Your partner may have a visa to work in another country but you may not be granted one as their partner except for a short time as a tourist. However if you were married you would almost certainly get a visa.
Pre-Marriage Agreement
You may want to enter an agreement prior to living together or marrying for a second time to work out your financial affairs. Such agreement to be enforceable must meet strict criteria but to be binding they must be signed off by a lawyer. Each of you must have your own.
Property
Arrangements concerning property in a new relationship may need to be different from those of the first marriage. Traditionally married couples have owned property as joint proprietors although not necessarily so in De Facto relationships. With joint tenancy, when one party dies the other party automatically becomes the sole owner of the property. With the second marriage or partnership this may not be suitable. Consult your lawyer.
Your Will
With any major change in your life you should consider having a new Will. Now is a time to think of a new Will.
Kirk and Alicia had two children, Henry and Sophia. Kirk and Alicia divorced and reached agreement about the children and had property orders approved by the Court. The property agreement was that Kirk would transfer his interest in the house to Alicia for $60,000. Kirk’s intention was to make certain that the children continued to live in a familiar environment. Alicia was assisted in raising the $60,000 by her boyfriend Giles. Alicia and Giles subsequently married and they thought it a good idea to register the property in their joint names. Two years later Alicia died and Giles automatically got the house. Henry and Sophia had no wish to stay with Giles so they did not benefit from Kirk’s original intention to provide them with a home.
Alicia had stated in her Will that half of her property was to go to Giles and half to the children. She clearly had not wanted the children to be cut out of an inheritance. Had the property been owned by Giles and Alicia as tenants-in-common, both would have been able to leave their individual share of the property to whomever they wished under the terms of their Will.
Re-Marriage of One Partner
If you decide to remarry inform your former spouse well in advance. It is especially important where there are children involved so that they can grow accustomed to the idea. The children should be encouraged to attend the wedding and it may assist them to adapt to the new relationship if they take an active part in the ceremony such as being bridesmaid. Your children may find it hard to accept a new partner. Help them to adapt gradually to the new situation. Your relationship with a new partner is going to form a second and alternative family for the children. There are many positive aspects to this and you can point these out to the children telling them how lucky they are to have two families.
Starting again may seem like a very distant dream as you work your way through the legal and emotional difficulties of a separation. However, whether it is by yourself, with your children or with a new partner the period of adjustment will come to an end and you will be ready and able to start again.
Good luck for the future.
This is an edited extract from Splitting Up by Judy Hoggs which is available to purchase now.