When things are going well at work, most of us can’t wait to share the exciting news of a promotion or pay rise with our partners. And if things are going particularly well, you’ll probably be doing plenty of celebrating with family and friends to mark those momentous milestones.
Unfortunately, though, in some relationships one partner’s success isn’t always met with such enthusiasm from the other. Even if you’re not the gloating type, news that you closed that huge deal or that you received yet another award in recognition of all your success can sometimes cause friction in a relationship, feeding feelings of jealousy, envy or resentment.
So, what should you do if your partner doesn’t seem to be happy for you?
Jealousy, envy or resentment in a relationship is not uncommon and often arises in relation to the contribution each partner makes to the relationship or family, monetary or otherwise. When these feelings surface, psychologist Sabina Read says it often signifies that one partner is doing something the other wishes they had done.
“All of us want to be valued by our partner in some way and we want what we do to feel important. We want to make a contribution. So if one person feels that the other is succeeding in that domain, they want to be recognised for succeeding in their own domain,” she says.
Open the lines of communication
If a partner is noticing that their other half is feeling resentful towards them, the best thing they can do is to talk about it.
Even better, it’s a good idea to discuss any career and related schedule changes before they happen, so that both partners in the relationship are prepared for the difference in dynamics ahead.
Counsellor and senior manager at Relationships Australia, Kylie Dunjey, emphasises the value in having that discussion before the promotion, and talking about what it will mean for each partner, as a couple.
“The couples that have discussions before the promotion or work advancements will get a chance to go, ‘Shall we move ahead with this?’ or ‘If we do this, that means that I will have less time at home or the distribution of our domestic chores will be different’,” says Dunjey.
“You need to have a thorough conversation that’s not charged with what it all means as much as just the facts on the table. Then, when the partner is predictably late or they’re not doing what they’ve always done, there’s some context.”
Without having that discussion, Dunjey warns that the other partner might start to feel neglected, and that’s when the resentment starts to creep in.
“Unless you have some robust discussions around why you’re doing this and what it means for both of you and what changes need to take place, you really are going to have challenges around it,” she says.
Communicate with gratitude
When you decide to have that conversation, Read says you need to be open and non-judgemental regarding the roles and responsibilities you both have and show gratitude for what each person brings to the table.
“We bring different things into a relationship and money is only one of them,” she says. “Like any other domain in our lives we bring strengths. It’s the combination of the partnership that makes it work.”
And when it comes to what you should actually say during those conversations, both Read and Dunjey highlight the importance of matching each comment with an affirmation.
“The person being resentful isn’t always aware that they’re being like that so it can feel a bit like an attack of criticism,” says Dunjey. “What we know about relationships – and this is for male and females – is that we are much more able to hear criticism or to be called on something if there have been a lot of affirmations. They reckon five deposits for one withdrawal.”
Adding to this, Read points out that behind the envy or jealousy is a need and that need is probably your partner’s yearning for validation of the role that they perform, whatever that may be.
“When we feel secure and motivated and emotionally supported in our own lives, we don’t feel as eroded from someone else’s success,” she says. “Behind every criticism or every attack is an unspoken need.