Jess Vassallo has been trying to start a family for the past seven years but has found herself navigating unexplained infertility, multiple rounds of failed IVF and sadly, four pregnancy losses.
Miscarriage, she says, has been one of the hardest things she’s ever been through—an experience that has led to unexpected feelings of loneliness and social isolation for herself and her husband.
While miscarriage is a common occurrence, with about one in four pregnancies ending in loss before 20 weeks, it remains a topic that many people find difficult to discuss openly. This stigma contributes to feelings of isolation and loneliness for those who go through it.
“One of the most challenging experiences that I’ve had with miscarriage is that it’s incredibly isolating,” Vassallo tells Women’s Agenda.
“Society has led us to believe that this is something that we go through in private, and you shouldn’t share that information, and certainly not within the first 12 weeks.”
According to the latest Medibank Loneliness Population Index, miscarriage—alongside the death of a close family member and ending a long-term relationship—is an experience of loss that triggers loneliness for many Australians.
Like Vassallo, about seven per cent of people surveyed indicated miscarriage had triggered their loneliness.
Each of Vassallo’s losses have been devastating in their own way, taking a physical and deeply emotional toll. However, the most challenging aspect for Vassallo has been the stigma and the isolating silence that comes with it.
“The stigma around miscarriage is very much tied to shame because as women, we feel that our bodies are meant to do a certain thing,” she says.
“We see it everywhere around us that women are having babies but when it doesn’t happen for you, a lot of shame around your body [and] not feeling like your body is not able to do what it was essentially put on this planet to do. And it is a lonely feeling.”
Samatha Payne, Founder and CEO of the Pink Elephants Support Network, says that experiences like Vassallo’s are all-too common.
“The silence that surrounds the experience of miscarriage perpetuates the loneliness or isolation that bereaved parents tell us they experience,” Payne explains.
“It can feel like they are the only ones in their immediate family and friends group going through this heartache and devastation, making it hard for them to speak up and be open about their feelings.
“Add to this a society that perpetually tries to find the silver lining when bad things happen with statements like ‘at least it happened early’ or ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’. These types of comments only minimise and invalidate the bereavement a woman feels which then dangerously isolates her further leaving her at risk of poor mental health outcomes.”
Vassallo said these kinds of minimising comments only made her experience of miscarriage harder.
“Women are often met with dismissive or minimising comments, which completely invalidates the grief,” she said. “The reality is that miscarriages aren’t just about losing the pregnancy. It’s about losing a future you had already started envisioning.”
“Because we don’t talk about it enough, many women feel like they have to carry the weight of their loss alone, and there’s an expectation to move on quickly and not make others uncomfortable, especially in professional settings.”
Payne explains that the stigma relating to miscarriage keeps the silence prevalent, and it stops women from sharing their truth. This truth is necessary for social connection.
“The patriarchy has kept women’s experiences as ‘private’…but this generation is rightly challenging this,” Payne says.
“When I tell people that I had to make the decision as to whether to keep the remains of my baby or flush them down the toilet when I experienced a ‘natural’ miscarriage, it’s shocking and there is much disbelief. I don’t share this deeply personal traumatic experience for sympathy. I intentionally share it to break the silence and stigma.”
“Those of us that can, need to speak up and share our experiences so that the system can change.”
One of the most difficult parts of the loneliness Vassallo has experienced following miscarriage is that often, people don’t know what to say to her, or avoid talking about it altogether.
“When you lose a baby in pregnancy, there’s often silence, or worse, avoidance,” she says.
“This stigma also makes it harder for people to ask for what they need, and it exacerbates loneliness.”
How we can foster social connection amid miscarriage
For anyone unsure of what to say to someone who’s had a miscarriage, keeping communication lines open is a good first step.
“Being there is enough. Even just a text that says ‘thinking of you’ or reaching out to someone to see if they want to have a coffee. That’s not always going to be something that someone going through that kind of grief is going to want to do, but just to know that someone is there, they feel seen, and they’re in a safe space, is really critical,” Vassallo says.
With such a high prevalence of miscarriage in the community, it’s likely someone you know has experienced it.
“One in four pregnancies ends in loss. Everyone has a responsibility to know how to support a friend or colleague through the experience,” Payne says. “Checking in on them regularly, dropping off meals, offering to look after older children or a pet, simply listening, these are all ways you can show support and that you are there for them.”
“Workplaces have a responsibility to provide adequate bereavement leave and support for women and their partners experiencing miscarriage. At Pink Elephants we believe that early pregnancy loss is an individual journey but not one that should be walked alone.”
To learn more about Medibank’s commitment to reducing loneliness head to We Are Lonely | Medibank.
About the research
Research commissioned by FiftyFive5 on behalf of Medibank. Research was conducted in July 2024, among a sample of (n=4,131) Australians.