Have you ever worked somewhere that called itself a family? I have. More than once. While the intention of family might be good, the reality is rarely as wholesome as it sounds. In today’s workplace, describing your team as a “family” isn’t just outdated, it’s unhelpful. It clouds expectations, blurs boundaries, and makes it harder to lead well.
Let’s look at this practically. A business exists to make, sell, or deliver something of value. It’s a commercial system. That doesn’t mean it has to be cold or transactional. But it does mean there needs to be clarity: about why we’re here, what’s expected, and how we make decisions when things shift. Families are forever (whether we like it or not). Work teams? They change.
As someone who works in organisation design (right people, right roles, right structure) and business strategy, I’ve seen how emotionally charged workplaces struggle with necessary change. Leaders feel guilty about making strategic decisions. Teams avoid conflict. Underperformance gets rationalised because “they’ve always been here” or “they mean well.”
But commercial integrity asks something else: to be honest about what’s working and what’s not. To make the decision that’s best for the business—even when it’s uncomfortable.
When there’s too much emotional overlay, key dynamics start to slip:
- Performance isn’t managed clearly.
- Capable people get overlooked.
- Conversations become personal, not professional.
Personal experiences and research also share:
- Resulted in cover ups, including abuse and misconduct: An HBR study, “When Work Feels Like Family, Employees Keep Quiet About Wrongdoing” (December 2020), found that employees in family-like cultures are significantly less likely to report unethical behaviour. In a survey of over 200 Silicon Valley startups, founders who encouraged a “family” culture saw strong emotional bonds, but also widespread reluctance to blow the whistle on issues, even serious misconduct
- Loyalty culture can sacrifice ethics and transparency: A Harvard Business School working paper highlights how group loyalty can lead to unethical decisions, because people often value loyalty over integrity. As the paper notes: “Often what you are trying to do is create a sense of loyalty or trust in the firm … but that can make people so loyal that when they see something wrong they don’t bring it up”. Although its from 2016 its still relevant today.
- Overlooking credible team members for promotions: HBR’s article “The Toxic Effects of Branding Your Workplace a ‘Family” (October 2021) explicitly explores how family metaphors in culture-building can obscure accountability, reduce objectivity in promotions, and encourage unfair privilege based on perceived loyalty rather than capability
As organisational psychologist Adam Grant puts it: “A company is not a family. Healthy cultures value both results and relationships.”
This doesn’t mean people should become disposable. Far from it. Some of the most important relationships in my life have come from work. Teams can be deeply human. But there’s a difference between being connected and being entangled.
This is why I invite you to consider your workplace as a high-performing sports team. A team has mutual respect, accountability, trust, and a shared goal and when you have a team filled with A players, this is what high performance is at its peak, its what people enjoy working with and it helps the company grow. If someone’s not able to do their part for their team, the coach is responsible for what happens next, sometimes an A player is injured and needs a break or sometimes there is a change of pace that will mean it’s time to switch.
When we stop using family as a default metaphor, we give ourselves permission to lead with both compassion and commercial clarity. And we give our teams the respect of being seen as professionals, not siblings. Work can be warm. It can be generous. It can even be life-changing. But it still needs to work. You don’t need to be a family to build a great business. You need a team that has clarity and alignment in what they’re contributing, and when it’s time to evolve. Perhaps it’s the way we wish our family operated all the time. We can’t choose family, at least choose your team.