As a husband and father of two young boys I have always considered it essential that my sons understand that both mummy and daddy raise them, and that both of us also work to provide for them.
I work full time whilst my wife works part time which was a deliberate decision we made together based on the economics of our incomes and our collective choice for her to to be ‘more available’ for them. Every family has to do what’s right for them and this works for us.
Our lives are a constant juggling act but we make it work with shared responsibilities. Considering my wife supports me and the family in helping lighten my load for study commitments (I’m currently completing a MBA), I didn’t hesitate for one second when she was offered a fantastic opportunity to attend an international conference. In fact, I had to encourage her to attend given her reluctance to leave us behind.
I anticipated some ribbing from my male friends about this – mostly about how I’m setting a dangerous precedent for when their wives are invited to attend a conference or just want a girls’ weekend away (even though they do the same). What I didn’t anticipate was the sentiment from other women – particularly mothers. Aside from the disappointing insinuation that I was not up to the task of taking care of our boys without my wife, the judgement she received as to whether this was a good idea was really upsetting.
She seriously considered cancelling her trip. I put my foot down and said she couldn’t pull out due to guilt. Why? Because her career is just as important as mine. Her achievement in being selected to attend a highly prestigious conference is an opportunity to relish and seize. But above all, no one batted an eyelid when I had be away from the family for study commitments: how is this any different?
My wife knows she has to go and deep down she is excited to do so. But she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because she wants to be a mother and have a career. In the same way that I don’t need concern because I have to work, study and ‘babysit’ my boys (FYI – it’s not babysitting when the kids are your own, it’s parenting).
Maybe it’s easier for me to see the hypocrisy in this situation because my own mother has always worked full time and my sister is making her way in the medical world. It’s not going to be an easy 3 weeks whilst my wife is away. Besides from missing her, in a simple sporting metaphor, I’ll be a player down and will need to switch to a ‘zone defence’. But being a working parent is never easy – less so if you’re a single working parent, regardless of whether you are a mother or a father.
But my wife, my sister, my mother and every other woman out there deserves the opportunity to progress her career without being made to feel that she is sacrificing her family and shirking her responsibility to do so. That is what I will be teaching my boys whilst their clever mum is away.