FIFA has suspended him for 90 days, so its disciplinary committee can investigate his conduct towards Jenni Hermoso at the Women’s World Cup final.
But a full nine days and counting later, Spanish Football Federation President Luis Rubiales is still indignant.
“I will not resign, I will not resign, I will not resign!” he screamed at a Federation meeting, reminding us that it is women who are the emotional sex.
“He was just overcome with emotion and couldn’t help his actions,” mansplained hundreds of sexual assault-apologists online, further reiterating this sentiment.
But it was another line dragged out in online spheres, over and over, that caught my attention the most: “It’s not sexual assault, and saying that it is insults people who have experienced real assault.”
TLDR: It is, and it does not.
But as a multi-time rape survivor myself, let’s unpack why this situation will look and feel so familiar to sexual assault survivors globally.
1. It fits the definition
Australia’s national virtual public health information service, Health Direct, clarifies that “sexual assault includes unwanted or inappropriate touching or kissing of a person’s body, having sex with someone without their consent, and rape”.
So, this situation clearly complies with the basic definition. So can we all go to bed and stop writing this ridiculous shit to strangers on the internet? Great.
But if you need further convincing…
2. Unlikely circumstances did not stop the assault
In the wake of any assault, there is a tendency to look for clues in the circumstances or the victim’s behaviour that it wasn’t assault at all.
“Why didn’t she resist or slap him away?”
Rubiales felt comfortable assaulting Hermoso in front of a global audience, begging the obvious question of what he does to women behind closed doors.
But perhaps the global audience was the entire point.
Performing an illicit act so publicly can be a form of gaslighting; a tactic for creating confusion within his victim.
For example, disgraced former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar used to sexually assault his (child) victims while their parents were in the room. This reinforced to his scared and confused victims that he couldn’t possibly have been doing anything wrong.
I mean, of course the kiss was consensual. Otherwise, he obviously wouldn’t have done it so publicly. Right?
Yet the public setting actually significantly increased the likelihood that Hermoso would question her interpretation of it and wouldn’t fight back, like the case of Nassar’s victims. The “freeze” response is a common one when a victim is unable to escape the situation.
I mean, what was she supposed to do – punch him on live television? Women are conditioned to coddle the feelings and egos even of our abusers.
As a child, when I was first raped, I remember thinking “this is the first time he’s done this”. I felt sorry for how awkward he was being. And I helped to smooth it all over.
Read that again, if you need to.
Even if Rubiales genuinely did not believe he was doing anything wrong, making the public setting irrelevant, there is still much to unpack there.
For him to believe this, his dominance over women would have to be so deeply ingrained, so much a part of who he is and how he views the world, that it would not even occur to him that forcing himself on a player in any setting would ever be a problem.
3. He had complete disregard for the victim’s sense of personhood
Rubiales’ actions occurred at a point of intense joy and personal accomplishment for Hermoso.
She had been part of a feat very few in the world are capable of achieving. Yet since that day, instead of basking in her own success, she’s had to contend with the aftermath of Rubiales’ actions.
Instead of realising the victory was Hermoso’s to own and relish, Rubiales centred his own emotions, his own lust, his own selfish entitlement.
Perpetrators don’t care about the personhood of their victims. They don’t care if their victim was having an awful day or celebrating the achievement of a lifetime.
All they care about is taking what they believe is theirs to take, when and how they want to take it.
4. He refuses to be held accountable
When I confronted one of my abusers, his response was incredibly unique and validating.
He admitted the entirety of what he did, and apologised. He explained the timeframe and circumstances because I had been trying to piece together the details through blurred fragments of disembodied childhood memories.
These details and validation helped me to find closure and forgiveness, and even revive a (healthy) relationship with this person. It was actually pretty incredible.
Hermoso is not having a similar experience.
In the wake of global and local outcry, Rubiales’s first – and sustained – reaction has been indignation and denial.
As a result, he is robbing his victim of the ability to move on unless she works hard herself to find closure (and justice) herself, and is destroying any possibility of reconciliation.
This adds more work and trauma to her already overflowing plate.
It is a classic case of “DARVO”, where the abuser Denies the abuse ever took place, Attacks the victim when confronted with evidence, then claims that they are actually the victim, Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.
5. He gathered his flying monkeys
Repeat after me: abusers are just as good at grooming allies as they are at grooming victims.
It has become so normalised that women bow to men’s desires, emotions, and needs that the 808-word defence of Rubiales by the Royal Spanish Football Federation comes as no surprise.
A staggering 81 women have said they will not play for Spain while he is in charge. Yet the Federation is not listening to these women and would prefer to keep them subject to Rubiales’s inappropriate behaviour than hold a man accountable.
It echoes the actions of USA Gymnastics, which prioritised Nassar’s role with the team over keeping its gymnasts safe, even as he sexually victimised 500+ children over several decades.
6. He leaned on a power imbalance
All assaults require a power imbalance. In the case of strangers, that power imbalance is often a physical or circumstantial disadvantage held by the victim.
But in the case of someone who is known, like a boss, a well-loved family member, or the President of your Football Federation, the power differential is often more complex.
Here, Rubiales benefits from a long history of sanctioned inappropriate behaviour by men in power within the Federation towards the female players. He is empowered by long-held misbeliefs about women regularly lying about sexual assault, and the behaviour of “real” victims, among other sexist myths.
Promisingly, victims are increasingly finding ways to redress this power imbalance. In this case: the solidarity of the female players, and a now-global movement of both women and men, united in condemning his actions.
“It insults people who have experienced real sexual assault”
Let me be clear. All forms of disrespect across the broad spectrum of sexual assault impact womenkind, and sexual assault survivors.
Sexual coercion and dominance typically don’t begin with full-blown violence. And a lot of violent assaults started with non-consensual kissing.
So why should we only condemn assaults that occur at the very worst end of the spectrum? I was raped, but I wasn’t raped at gunpoint. Does that make my rape more tolerable, and less worthy of condemning? Shouldn’t I have tried harder to get away?
Regardless of how big or small the indignity may be, women should be heard when we speak out.
It’s also bold to assume Hermoso hasn’t experienced other similar or worse acts in her lifetime, that would impact how this experience affects her.
When I now experience uncomfortable situations where men exert their physical or social power over me, it triggers a part in me that has been overpowered in a different way.
So, sure, he didn’t rape her. Give the guy a medal. But on top of the impact of the individual act, he could also have triggered feelings from a lifetime of existing in a woman’s body that is so often viewed as consumption material for men.
Every cut hurts and leaves a scar, no matter how big or small.
We’re not doing this anymore.
Unfortunately, in the end, Rubiales has not read the room. We’re not doing this anymore.
The entire team quit, demonstrating the growing power women have in solidarity. In the days following, as Rubiales doggedly defended his indefensible actions, his colleagues increasingly called for his resignation.
Because these types of antiquated, selfish, entitled, sexist behaviours have no place in society anymore.
As Barcelona team member Ana-Maria Crnogorcevic wrote on X (formerly Twitter): “This should be just the beginning… there are many more people that have to leave!!!”
So you’re all officially on notice, men.
Including those of you who choose to jump to the defence of abusers like Rubiales.
If you or someone you know is in need of help due to sexual assault or family and domestic violence contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732
In an emergency call 000. Lifeline (13 11 14) and, for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, 13YARN (13 92 76)