There are so many taboos when it comes to being a parent. Things you can feel, but don’t believe you can say. Everything from secretly preferring one child over another to counting down the minutes until a toddler’s daytime nap.
One of the biggest taboos is not just the desire to return to work, but the fact you actually enjoy the time away from the kids. Indeed, many women have told me their first couple of days in the office after maternity leave felt like ‘taking a holiday’.
Parenting expert and editor of CHILD magazine Karen Miles believes there’s too much pressure on women to believe mothering should come naturally, and something everyone must enjoy, 100% of the time. Judgment, she tells me, comes too quickly from ‘Sanctimummies’ – those women at the school gate, on social media, or in the playground, who are quick to judge the choices of others and anyone who might slip up and reveal they’re not loving being a parent as much as they’ve been told they should.
In many cases, ‘sanctimummies’ don’t actually exist. We merely believe other women are making such judgments because were not entirely confident with the choices we’ve made.
Miles says she sees this constantly in the stories and ‘first person’ accounts women share with her at CHILD magazine. Women who feel guilty because they – secretly or otherwise – feel a certain way about parenting and/or have made decisions they don’t believe ‘real mothers’ would agree with. While feminism has and continues to give us choice, Miles says too many of us are still not entirely confident or comfortable with the feeling we have about motherhood.
Working, she says, is still a constant source of guilt for mothers. “We’re told that ‘good mothers’ put their children first. ‘Good mothers’ stay at home. ‘Good mothers’ do tuck shop duty. ‘Good mothers’ go to reading classes,” she says. “But full-time working mothers can’t do that. I feel there is still a massive divide and a sense of ‘I’m failing my children by returning to work’, which just isn’t the case.”
Miles also believes a decision to stay home with the children is a career move like any other. Some women are better at such work than others, and some women will enjoy it more than others. If you’re in the position to truly make choices regarding how and when you should return to work, then you should celebrate and do what works best for you, rather than dwell constantly on the decisions ultimately made.
“It’s that black and white thinking that trips too many women up,” she says.
So what can we ultimately do to help? It starts by trusting our instincts and feeling confident about the decisions we’re making. One way of parenting doesn’t work for all of us and there are benefits for children and to everyone around you by actually pursuing the type of work and career you want.
Meanwhile, CHILD magazine offers some tips from clinical psychologist Laura Alfred on other ‘taboos’ mothers and fathers may experience about parenting, and what we can do about them.
Preferring one child over another:
“It’s common for a parent to feel a closer fit with one child for the simple reason we get on better with some people than others,” she says. “Be mindful of all the ways you can mitigate against sibling rivalry, such as never comparing children and valuing each of their different contributions.”
Not enjoying motherhood:
Lower your expectations, says Miles. “Don’t expect motherhood will be enjoyable all the time – it won’t.” Seek help from a trained professional if things feel difficult all the time.
Feeling disappointed in your child’s gender:
A healthy child should be enough, but it’s not unusual for parents to have hoped for a different gender. “If you stay focussed on developing a relationship with that child, these ‘attributes’ might become less important as time goes on,” says Miles.
Don’t like a friend’s child:
While this can strain a friendship, there are things that can be done to protect the relationship. Suggest child-free lunches or visit them in the evening long after the little ones have gone to bed.
Don’t want to breastfeed or have a vaginal birth:
No matter what a new mother wants to do, everyone’s going to have an opinion about it. Miles notes that the fact is that different things work for different people and no one is obligated to have to justify their actions. “Is your child happy, healthy and loved? You’re a good mother and nothing else matters.”