It’s a sentiment that resonated with me after I had had my first baby. “You wouldn’t wish those first six weeks with a newborn on anyone.” It sounds harsh but anyone who has had a baby, or been in close contact with someone who has, will sympathise. The transition from an autonomous and independent woman to motherhood is seismic and the shift is rarely more confronting than in those early weeks. It is a conversation I have had with every single one of my close friends who has given birth and almost every parent I have met.
Having a baby is hard. It is not theoretically difficult, rather, it is physically, emotionally and mentally difficult. There is no end in sight, the responsibility is overwhelming, hormones are flying and, usually, sleep is scarce. Everything about the new role – feeding, settling, swaddling, changing, dressing — is unfamiliar which in itself is a little unsettling. Isn’t this meant to come naturally?
The reality of being home caring for a newborn is often quite removed from the blissful baby bubble many of us may have imagined. Many mothers and fathers I know have wondered this: why did we not know what lay ahead? Part of this is probably because some things have to be experienced to be believed but I also have no doubt that part of it is because our expectations aren’t always aligned with reality. An array of factors – conversations with other parents, photos, television shows, parenting books, our own families – determine a person’s expectations around how motherhood might look and feel.
For some people, I am sure, their expectations and the reality marry up. For others though – myself included – there is a disparity. I didn’t experience postnatal depression after either of my daughters but I was quite shocked by the reality of becoming a mother for the first time. My understanding is that when PND strikes the gap between what a parent expected to feel and what they do feel is exquisitely painful.
Talking about the tough parts of caring for a baby obviously won’t eliminate the incidence of PND but there is enormous value in being honest about how parenthood feels and looks in those early days, weeks and months. Because what we say impacts – directly and indirectly – another person’s expectations around becoming a parent.
There is so much about babies which is blissful and lovely but that is the easy bit. The bit that is much harder is accepting that there are times which aren’t blissful or lovely. Being prepared for that and knowing that mothers and father, before and after you, have and will feel that too is liberating.
One in 10 Australian women experience depression during pregnancy and one in seven do in the year after a baby is born. Those numbers alone explain why Postnatal Depression Awareness Week, which is happening now, is a vital event for Australian parents. If you are suffering symptoms of anxiety or depression, or you know someone who is, use this week to seek out help or to start a conversation to encourage someone to do the same. You are not alone, support is out there and your reward will be recovery.
If you have children but you are fortunate enough not to have been affected by PND use this week to level with the parents or parents-to-be around you. There is no shame in saying babies are hard.