Women, and particularly mothers, are often told to ditch the guilt. The advice is often given alongside the popular refrain that women are their own worst enemies. In some cases that might ring true; they may impose impossible standard upon themselves. But in every case those standards and the associated guilt are not their own private creation.
Telling women to stop feeling guilty is good advice to an extent. But in the same way that merely telling women to lean in won’t of itself create new workplaces that are more supportive of female leaders, telling women to stop feeling guilty is futile unless we look at and address the context in which women feel guilt.
Why do women feel so guilty? Is it because they wake up and think they want to try and make their lives as complicated and angst-ridden as possible? Because they want to anguish over how and when they work, and over how and when they will have a family, or care for their family?
Tempting as it is to dismiss this guilt as a rod women build for their own backs, it’s disingenuous to dismiss the role we all play in building that rod. We are all responsible for the social context in which women and men live. And, whether we accept it or not, the social context in which women and men live creates a raft of difficult standards for women.
Despite plenty of rhetoric our workplaces do not adequately accommodate females. The report card handed down by the Workplace Gender Equality Agency on Tuesday is unequivocal in this regard. But many women entered the workforce believing structural discrimination was no longer an issue. They are hardwired to believe that their hard work will be rewarded; blaming the system is counter intuitive to many. But whether they like it or not their progression at work is hampered by their being female. And it’s worse when they have a baby.
Having a family and working fulltime is de rigueur for Australian men and whilst those who deviate from that model will certainly be subject to some scrutiny, men’s choices around work and family aren’t as hotly contested as women’s.
There are of course exceptions but I am yet to meet a mum who hasn’t been stung by a line uttered by someone – a relative, a parent, a stranger in a café, a colleague, a friend, a boss – about their choices. It is often well-meaning but commentary around whether you work or not, whether you use childcare or not, whether you breastfeed or bottle-feed, whether you work fulltime or part-time, creates a certain narrative about what is good and what is bad. And that narrative is pretty hard to ignore once you enter the realm of parenthood.
That is the social context in which guilt arises. And, it’s compounded by the innate, highly-charged emotional desire many men and women have to be good parents. Parenting is not an area in which many of us seek to fare badly.
Flippant lines delivered by others do not dictate a mother’s choices, but it’s difficult to dismiss the cumulative effect of those comments, particularly, because for lots of mothers those comments aren’t just coming from strangers. They are sometimes delivered by those closest to them. I know many high profile female leaders whose own mothers don’t particularly approve of their choices; it is not uncommon. It is impossible to please everyone – whether it’s your own family, your friends or your boss – but sticking to your own course and muting the narrative does require diligence and resilience.
That is the backdrop to mother’s guilt which creates an arena in which women are not only trying to convince others that they’re doing a good job – at work and at home – but they’re trying to convince themselves too. And that is the hotbed of judgement, criticism and competition from which the “mummy mafia” label springs.
Is it because women are their own worst enemies? No. It’s inevitable when as a society we effectively pit women against one another. We can’t decide whether we like women who work fulltime, or women who stay at home fulltime or women who do both. Regardless of which path a female chooses; there is a negative story that can and will accompany it.
Can individual women take steps to rectify this? Absolutely. We can recognise the pressure we feel and we can be supportive of each other’s choices. But unless we are offered the same in return the reasons we feel guilty will remain.
It’s one of the reasons why this is a must read for every parent. Because the mark of you as a parent is not determined by if, how and when you work or whether everyone supports your choices or castigates them: it will lie in the character of your children and the relationship you enjoy with them. For someone who has always worked and has endured some criticism and judgement for that, that realisation was incredibly powerful for Marina Go. And I can understand why.
These are the stories we need to share. To remind ourselves that whilst the reasons we feel guilty about our choices might be valid, the consequence need not be.