Whenever I read about men protesting against the stereotype of husbands sitting on their hands while their wife cooks, cleans, works and performs magic acts, I am reminded of the fact that there are still too many partnerships where that is the reality. Even one home is still too many.
But I wonder if there are more men performing equal duties in the home than we often give them credit for. I can’t think of a single girlfriend with a full-time career and children who doesn’t have a partner who treats her as an equal. Maybe that’s just my generation. Maybe that’s just my friends.
This is what an equal partnership looks like:
- School drop-offs and pick-ups are coordinated to suit both partners’ schedules. When our eldest son started childcare, I dropped him there early on my way to work and my husband collected him on his way home from work. That timing suited both of our work days. It wasn’t about who should do it or who wanted to do it. Years later when he was at school and our youngest was at preschool, my husband did the after school pickups for the two boys, plus my niece who was at another school entirely.
- If a child is sick and needs to stay home, both partners check their schedules to see who can take parental leave. This is the ultimate nightmare for working mothers because small children are sick a lot. Most employers are understanding but taking a lot of time out can interfere with a major project or client relationship if it’s a regular occurrence. Working parents who take time out to care for a sick child will usually have the workload waiting for them back at the office. Sharing the load with your partner lessens the impact for everyone.
- It’s not assumed that one partner’s career should automatically be the one to take a hit when considering flexible hours or part-time options. I have a friend who dropped her days to three days per week when she had her second child. Her career was too full-on for her to continue full-time for the few years that followed. Her husband also dropped his days back to three days per week. That way there was only one day per week that they required childcare for their two children under five. And both could keep progressing their careers during the difficult pre-school years.
- Housework gets done when it needs doing. If the house is in need of a good clean then whoever is there at the time should do it. Most often it’s Saturday before my husband and I recognise that the floor needs to be vacuumed. If we are both at home then he will do half of the house and I will do the rest. However, there have been many times when he will just get it done midweek so that I don’t have to be confronted by it on Saturday: the only day of the week that neither one of us works.
- There isn’t a good parent and a bad parent. This is a really important cue. Very often the parent who spends the most time disciplining the children becomes the bad cop at home, while the parent who is rarely there is the good cop. When discipline is a shared responsibility there is greater consistency for the child and they don’t try to play off one parent against the other.
- Quality time with the children is something both parents enjoy. The highlight of my day is sitting with my boys in the evening discussing their day, watching their favourite tv shows with them and listening to their music. My husband and the boys enjoy discussing and watching sports together, whether from the sofa or at the game. I love that neither one of us ever feels the need to put off our time with them because we need to do the ironing or dust something. We know that somehow we’ll get it done – together.
Is this your reality too or do you have a different experience?