“You’re one of those corporates mothers. The other mums told me I’d never see you.”
“Do you know Jack* is writing his ‘e’ from the bottom up not the top? I noticed it and thought you’d really need to know.”
“My wife couldn’t work like you do. She loves our children too much.”
These are a few of the comments I have had recalled to me from working mothers in recent weeks. The words and the sentiments are loaded. Whether delivered with mal-intent or otherwise, the comments have a clear underlying message: choosing to work delegitimises their mothering.
In the first two cases the women spoken to, though admittedly a little bruised from the innuendo, tackled the remarks head on.
“That’s a really upsetting comment. I work but I am also a parent. I’m not sure who the “other mums” are and why they would be talking to you about me but can you think about that from my position. How it might feel to have that said to me?”
“To be perfectly honest, whether he writes the ‘e’ from the bottom up or the other way around, isn’t a desperately important matter. If it was I expect his teacher would have told me.”
I am paraphrasing their responses but the point is these types of conversations and comments are happen everywhere. And, though I am sure there are exceptions, they are most often directed at mothers, not fathers. Fathers having children and working is accepted. Mothers having children and working is less straightforward. But the reverse applies at home.
On Monday I received further confirmation of this from a lawyer called Jason Hadassin. He expressed some disappointment at the reaction he and his wife had received regarding an overseas work trip she’s about to embark on. Equality on the home front is a long way off, he observed.
I asked if he’d consider writing about it which he did – the response landed in my inbox just a few hours later. His piece had two simple messages: his wife’s career is as important as his, and his role as a parent is as important as hers.
Before I pressed publish on his piece I knew that some would say “Why does this even need to be said?” in response. Why does a man need to give his wife permission to travel for work?
The answer is, in an ideal world, it wouldn’t and he shouldn’t. His experience, however, mounts a compelling case for why both are worth saying. His words make it clear that, all things being equal, he wouldn’t have needed to give his wife permission to travel. But with the all things not being equal, he did. Because his wife felt guilt and pressure that her going was somehow selfish.
Imagine if a larger group of men and women took the time to actively counter the guilt message mothers receive? Imagine if a larger group of men and women took the time to actively embrace fathers as the competent and capable care givers they are?
The truth is, delegitimising fathers as parents is as limiting as it is to delegitimise mothers at work. Both of these conversations – about the value and roles of men at home and the value and roles of women at work – are necessary. I am proud that fathers like Jason, who share the same disappointment and frustration of many men and woman, want to start and lead these conversations.
The question we really need to ponder is not why a piece like his needs to be published. It’s why do we question the role of fathers? And why do we question the roles of women who work? Don’t be fooled into believing these things don’t happen. Hang around a school pick up for long enough and you’ll hear proof of both yourself.
*Not his real name