Dani and her partner are eight months into raising their child.
It brings a smile to her face thinking about the number of hot cups of tea she makes and forgets as she navigates nappy changes and sleepless nights.
But for her and her husband, this is “the fun part”.
And it has come after a long and at times devastating chapter.
Please note this story discusses pregnancy loss. If you need support, you can speak to Pink Elephants online or call the helpline 1300 726 306 for a free and confidential chat.
“I went to a Catholic girls’ school and so I was told ‘if you have sex, you will get pregnant.’ When that is drilled into you, you think that getting pregnant is really easy,” Dani says.
“We were so naive.”
When Dani fell pregnant she was excited about the future, envisioning how life would be on this new adventure as parents.
Everything felt fine until a routine scan.
“There was no heartbeat,” she says.
“I wanted the sonographer to check it again and then go and get her boss and then try a different machine because I was so desperate.
“That was so emotionally devastating.”
Six months later, Dani fell pregnant again.
“My second miscarriage was more physically tough,” she says.
“There were ‘products of conception’ still remaining in my womb. I hemorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion.”
At the time, it seemed like everyone around Dani was having babies but she and her husband had been dealt a cruel hand.
“The compounding sense of loss after my second miscarriage was just exhausting – it’s devastating, it’s horrific,” she says.
Fortunately, Dani and her husband had a close-knit group of friends and family to lean on.
The couple took time to heal and sought comfort in activities like sport.
“We said no to a lot of kids’ birthday parties or baby showers,” she says.
“We just couldn’t do it and that was okay and people understood that.”
They also had a great medical team.
“I had a wonderful GP,” Dani says.
“She was on top of mental health care plans.
“I also did acupuncture.
“I had a great OBGYN and then obviously, I had a really good fertility specialist as well who helped from a scientific perspective in terms of genetic testing and having a plan to move forward.”
After suffering two pregnancy losses in under half a year, Dani and her husband decided to try IVF with Genea.
“We had a structure, we had a plan, I had days to go in and get blood tests and get retrievals and do this and that,” she says.
“That helped because it didn’t feel like we were just in limbo.”
Dani had two egg retrievals.
The first went well but with the second one, she experienced ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS).
“I had fluid in my abdomen and my chest, which is just a really rare side effect,” she says.
“No one ever plans for this stuff.”
Fortunately for Dani and her family, this story has a happy ending – or a happy beginning depending on how you look at it.
“I’ve got my beautiful son and I’m grateful for that, times a billion.”
Be gentle with yourself
Miscarriage is sadly very common, with one in five pregnancies being lost before 20 weeks – and in nearly every single one of these cases, it’s not because of anything the mother did.
If a woman experiences two or more pregnancy losses, it’s recommended they speak to a fertility specialist to investigate what could be going on.
Genea’s Dr Danielle Robson is an experienced reproductive endocrinologist and researcher in fertility science who has supported many patients through the ups and downs of having a baby.
She is also co-author of the Australasian Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Clinical Management Guidelines.
She says it’s really important for patients to have a compassionate medical team around them including fertility counsellors.
Connecting with miscarriage support groups and organisations like Pink Elephants can also have a positive impact.
“Bonding with other people who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through can really help,” she says.
It’s not your fault
Dr Robson says self-blame, guilt and shame are unfortunately too common.
“Women are notoriously hard on themselves,” she says.
“Patients often say, ‘I’m higher risk for this because I waited and I’m older’.
“But I very much advocate that you start your family when you’re good and ready because no child wants to be born into a family that’s not ready for them.”
Dr Robson also emphasises that the prevalence of miscarriage doesn’t take away from the fact that it is a loss.
“It can cause a lot of heartache,” she says.
“Because with every pregnancy there comes a due date and with a due date comes hope and a thought process of ‘I’ll have a baby before Christmas’ or ‘That’s near my birthday’.
“We’re much better at talking about miscarriage now but it still seems to be this very hidden secretive process.”
How long should you wait before trying again?
Most women who miscarry will go on to conceive again and deliver a healthy baby.
In some cases, people can start trying again as soon as their next period ends.
But for those who experience recurrent pregnancy loss (two or more), Dr Robson says patients may be asked to hold off until further investigations and testing is done.
“Up to 75% of all miscarriages can be attributed to a chromosomal abnormality that is beyond your control,” she says.
When a patient is navigating recurrent pregnancy loss, Dr Robson says pressing pause can be beneficial in a number of ways.
“There is this pressure in society on women with their ageing fertility,” she says.
“So I do talk about therapeutic breaks in my practice a lot because when you’re physically, emotionally, mentally ready, you’re going to do so much better than if you’re just pushing yourself to keep going.
“The therapeutic break doesn’t have to be for long – it can be four or six weeks.
“It’s okay to go back to being you and not this fertility vessel.”
Every pregnancy loss is different and those affected will cope in their own unique way.
As Dr Robson and Dani have highlighted: take it step by step, work with a trusted medical team, and build a buffer around you through counselling, support groups, compassionate friends and family.
“It can seem grossly unfair and overwhelming [but] there is a greater purpose to it,” says Dr Robson.
“You will get through it.”