There are many misconceptions about loneliness and how we experience it. For example, many of us assume loneliness only affects older people, or people who live alone, or those who are socially anxious.
But the truth is, loneliness is a widespread issue across society and all of us are vulnerable to experiencing it, no matter our stage of life, our relationships or mental state.
And while many of us will get lonely at one point or another, we’re not great at identifying the signs of it. According to the latest Medibank Loneliness Population Index, just 36 per cent of Australians say they would be able to identify the signs of loneliness, while just less than half (39 per cent) say they would know who to talk to if someone they know is experiencing it.
Meanwhile, just one third (33 per cent) of people know which strategies or tactics would help them to manage loneliness.
Women’s Agenda spoke to clinical psychologist Dr Tabitha Keon to find out how we can build the confidence to better identify loneliness in ourselves and others.
“There’s being alone and there’s being lonely, which are two different things,” Dr Keon explains.
“You could actually be with someone and still feel lonely. That’s very possible.”
According to the Black Dog Institute, loneliness is a negative feeling that arises when our social needs are unmet by the quantity and quality of our current social relationships. For some people, it’s a temporary feeling, whereas for others it can be a long-term experience.
Speaking from her clinical experience, Dr Keon says a person may come in and present as feeling lonely and low in mood even though they are in a romantic relationship. Often, looking at the dynamic of that relationship is important before identifying loneliness.
“Maybe the relationship isn’t working so well and the connection between the two people is not a great, close, healthy relationship,” she says. “That may manifest in loneliness, even though they might be with that person every day.”
And although social anxiety is not always a common denominator of loneliness, often people who are socially anxious might have more trouble overcoming their feelings of loneliness.
“Social anxiety can block people from going out and about into social situations and putting themselves forward for social connection,” Dr Keon says.
Dr Keon says there are some basic questions we can ask ourselves if we are unsure whether loneliness is something we are experiencing.
“If we look at it really simplistically, it’s questions like: how often are you seeing people and what is the quality of it?” she says.
“It’s a question of quality and quantity and every individual is going to have a different need for that, depending on your personality. Getting people to reflect on, in a perfect world, what their ideal level of social contact would be, is important.”
Small actions can make a big difference
Reducing loneliness has clear health benefits and taking small steps to improve your connection with others can have a larger impact than you might expect.
“Getting people to monitor and reflect on the times in the day or week when they are feeling more buoyant and less disconnected or lonely [is a good first step],” Dr Keon explains.
“That could be as simple as going to the shops and getting your coffee and having a one-minute chat with the barista. It doesn’t have to be big, or involve going to a party and seeing lots of people or having a deeper, meaningful conversation with somebody. It can be small actions.”
Below are some other practical ways to manage feelings of loneliness.
Reach out to your family and friends
Your first port of call to increase your connection with others is to reach out to your existing friends and family. These are the people who know you the best, and care for your wellbeing. Sending a quick text message to a family member or friend, asking to meet up and socialise, or jump on a video call, is a good first step. From there, it’s about building on that connection day by day.
“Go over to a friend’s house and help them with their gardening. That’s something that people forget – actually going and helping friends or helping family is a really great way to feel good and connected,” Dr Keon says.
Join a community group or club
If your feelings of loneliness are starting to get you down, it’s worth considering ways you can increase your social contact in the wider community. That might mean researching local community groups or clubs that you could join to connect with others while doing something you care about. It may be finding a new exercise class to take part in like parkrun (a free community event that has 500 locations across the country), picking up a new hobby, or finding a new way to connect with your local community in a public space, like a library or cafe.
Volunteering for a cause you care about is also a good way to increase your social connection and reduce your experiences of loneliness.
Find an online group
If joining a group in person is too large a step, it might be more beneficial to look for an online group you could join that relates to an activity you are interested in. Facebook groups can be a good place to start – you can search groups by topic to find the right one for you.
Online dating – this can work for friends too!
Dr Keon says a few of her clients have had success increasing their social connections by using dating apps, including those that are designed to help you make friends like Bumble BFF. Conscious Connections is also a great way for women to meet each other.
“They can be good for women looking to make female friends, and I’ve actually had some clients who’ve done that, and get a lot of goodness and enrichment from it,” Dr Keon says.
If the above suggestions feel too daunting or difficult to manage, it can help to simply recognise that what you are experiencing is loneliness. Chatting to a health professional may be a good place to get some clarity.
Also, try to remember that practising self-compassion is important and small steps can make a difference.
About the research
Research commissioned by FiftyFive5 on behalf of Medibank. Research was conducted in July 2024, among a sample of (n=4,131) Australians.
If you need to speak to someone now, you can reach Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636 or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.