We’ve all had that one friend. The one who eats up all your time, always takes and never reciprocates, and whose behaviour leaves you feeling worse than before you saw them.
But why is it that we never say anything to these friends or call them out about their behaviour being wrong? The truth is, your friendship misconceptions and fears may be keeping you tied to toxic friendships.
You believe friends should be all give and no take
It’s so common to hear the phrase ‘true friendship means expecting nothing in return’. It’s also so wrong. Good friendships are not one-sided. The purpose of a friend is that you give support, and that you get support when you need it.
There is nothing wrong with admitting and accepting that you have expectations from your friends. Those expectations aren’t audacious – the purpose of a friendship is to have mutual trust, support, affection and respect. Expecting these things is perfectly reasonable and anything short, isn’t worth your while.
Being ‘cool’ is holding you back
Like it or not, friendship is often tied with the idea of popularity and coolness. But our perception of a ‘cool person’ is often problematic.
The notion of being ‘cool’ is tied to being carefree, unfazed, unflappable, (you know the sayings… ‘cool as a cumber’, ‘too cool for school’). Everyone wants to be this way because it suggests superiority; you don’t show negative emotions. No one knows when you’re vulnerable and therefore you can’t be deemed ‘weak’, or worse, ‘pathetic’.
Subconsciously, people believe to have lots of friends they need to be cool and aloof at all times. Therefore confronting our friends over their bad behaviour becomes challenging. But the truth is, it’s actually quite isolating up there on that pedestal way up above folks with feelings… you’re better off on the ground and speaking your truth.
You’re confusing being ‘overly sensitive’ with self respect.
Calling our friends out involves the awkwardness of actually saying something!
This is hard when (women especially) have been socially brainwashed to avoid being perceived as ‘overly sensitive’, ‘petty’ or ‘negative’, in sharing their opinions (cool people don’t care remember?). But if your ‘friend’ is using a tactic of dismissing your valid points and instead accusing you of being ‘crazy’? Well, that’s just gaslighting. And you’re better off without anyone in your life doing that to you.
Fear of having ‘no friends’ will hold you back if you let it
Consider why you are holding so tight to a toxic friend. Is it because you’re afraid of having fewer friends?
Surely what’s worse, is a ‘friend’ that’s never there for you when you need them, doesn’t call or reciprocate kindness, treats you meanly and is just generally MIA from the final games, dinners, celebrations, commiserations, birthdays, break-ups, minor and major life events and interstate moves you need them to be a part of. Keeping up the facade that you’re close, and giving them all your time, money and effort isn’t serving you in any way.
You are not alone in wanting new, better-quality friendships
In Australia only about 25% of Australians report having a close friend they can talk to every month – 1-in-2 report that they do not have any close friends! You are not alone.
But that doesn’t mean you’re going to end up friendless. It proves that others feel the you way you do, and want to make new and better friends too! A friendship revolution is on the horizon but learning to say no to ‘friendshit’ is your first step to getting there.