You know the drill: school is heading back and you’re scrambling to find a uniform that fits your children, who seem to have grown a foot in the last six weeks of summer holidays.
And that’s just the beginning of it. There are lunchboxes to pack (which means making sure the pantry and fridge is well stocked with kid-approved snacks), stationery to buy, forms to fill out and the extra curricular activities to boot.
It’s no wonder we often get to the first day of school burnt out, exhausted and relieved for a return to routine. And, of course, for the majority of Australian households it’s one person holding this all together.
But what if it didn’t have to be like this? What if, for the start of next term, we did things a little differently?
We’ve heard for the last few years about the mental load placed on mothers and what that involves. And for those of us in the role, we know it all too well. It’s the burden shouldered by the primary ‘go to’ parent in the family. The one who remembers it’s Tom’s birthday on Sunday and there aren’t any presents left in the present drawer. Or the one who remembers that the milk is out or the bread is low, and re-stocks before it’s a critical situation.
It’s the dozens of invisible decisions made daily that keep a family and a household running smoothly. And it’s the unpaid labour that mostly falls to women, even when they are in paid work outside of the home.
On average, women are spending eight hours more than men on unpaid domestic work per week. Those living with children spend more than 35 hours each week doing unpaid domestic work, compared to just 19.7 hours for men.
And as women’s participation in the paid workforce rises, so too is burnout.
So who manages the back-to-school business in your household?
For sole-parent families, the majority of which are headed up by mothers, there’s no choice.
For those in heterosexual partnerships, it’s likely mums.
So why is that the case?
We need a shift. Because the ongoing reliance on mums to do everything– from preparing their children for school to organising the holiday roster for care, needs to change. It’s impacting our careers, our mental health and reinforces inequity between genders.
Where to start? Here are some simple steps I’ve taken to getting my partner more involved with something like the return to school.
- Challenge the ‘she’s just better at it’ narrative
Actually, anyone can make a lunchbox. Or organise the school shoes in the right size. Or check the uniform still fits. It’s not a case of you being better at it than your partner, it’s enabling the behaviour to continue by not challenging it or asking for help.
Start by sitting down with your partner and agreeing that this school year, you’ll be doing things differently. And they will need to step up and share the tasks.
- Call out that traditional gender roles weren’t designed for today’s reality
They were designed for a world where women didn’t work outside of the home. And with more women entering paid work, this continues to shift, both through choice and necessity with rising cost of living expenses.
So no, it’s not going to work for you to be in charge of everything at home and hold down a demanding job. Something’s got to give, and it can’t be your mental health.
- Divide, conquer and then let it go
Work out everything that needs to get done for the return to school or ahead of the next school holidays – that’s everything. From who’s organising the kids’ uniforms before school goes back, to making sure they are fed and watered during the day and at night. Divide as evenly as you can between you (and make sure to include the kids too!) and then, and here’s the clincher, do not touch anything that doesn’t fall in your responsibility.
I know the temptation is great, but reminding, re-doing or doing before they can get to it will only reinforce the old habit of you doing it all.
So partners, look forward to a conversation that involves you soon enough. Because we want to set the best possible example for our kids, the next generation, and show them what equitable, load-sharing looks like in practice.
Let’s be honest, it’s not about the mental load, not really. It’s about shifting gender expectations for the next generation to ensure we can dismantle the traditional beliefs that are no longer serving anyone.