Over the past fortnight, as thousands came together to farewell musical icon Ozzy Osbourne, thousands more paused to pay tribute to the powerhouse woman behind the legend; his wife, Sharon. And as the nostalgic posts have flowed, one theme has dominated amongst fans and social media users: their ‘trauma to triumph’ love story.
The obsession amongst fans, and the world in general, is unsurprising to anyone who follows pop culture.
After all, it’s rare for anyone in Hollywood to make it through 43 years of marriage, let alone to do so with a partner who struggled for decades with substance and sex addiction. But whilst the internet has been flooded with thousands of sweet tributes to both Ozzy and Sharon, a disturbing trend has also emerged. One that speaks volumes of the toxic attitudes that still exist around domestic violence.
Or, more specifically, what it means to be a ‘good wife.’
could learn a lesson from Sharon. She stayed with him even though he broke her!! lectured one Facebook user.
Modern women and mothers don’t compare to older ones, agreed another. They’re built different.
Wife hall of famer right there, shared another.
A woman who’s defended, picked up, and stood by her man through thick and thin.They definitely don’t make women like that anymore.
And on and on it went – enthusiastic comments from both men and women, all pointing to the same conclusion: A good wife stays. A good wife compromises. A good wife waits for her man to change, even when his decisions, betrayals, or abuse break her into a million pieces.
However, what many people seem to forget – or gloss over – is that Ozzy is the same man who cheated on his wife multiple times, knocked out two of her front teeth during an argument, and in 1989, even tried to strangle her to death as their children slept. The Black Sabbath Singer was so high on substances that he woke up in a jail cell oblivious to what he’d done.
‘Still, [even] that didn’t stop me drinking,’ he admitted, during an interview with 60 Minutes Australia.
When Sharon was asked why she stayed, the petite redhead shared that she didn’t want her children to grow up in a ‘split family,’ and due to her childhood, she ‘didn’t know any better’ when it came to abuse. She, too, admits to being physically violent towards her husband.
“We loved each other madly, but we were both incredibly violent, because we’d both been brought up around violence and didn’t know any better,” she told Digital Spy.
Over the years, the music manager has opened up candidly about her early life, sharing of the physical and emotional violence she suffered. On one occasion, her father threw Sharon (then aged five) and her seven year old brother out of the car in the middle of the night, leaving them alone and afraid in a dark forest. She has ‘no clue’ how long they were there before he eventually returned.
Another time, her father allegedly threw her down a flight of stairs and hit her on the head, and years later, attempted to break up her marriage by making despicable allegations that she was in an incestuous relationship with him.
“With the way I’d been brought up, Ozzy was quite normal to me. I loved him,” Sharon shared.
Her childhood trauma, combined with that of Ozzy – who opened up in 2003 about the sexual abuse he suffered at age 11 – created a toxicity within their marriage that most couples would not have survived. Yet, despite it all, Sharon chose to stay.
Alongside her role as a mother and wife, much of her life was spent managing her husband – not just his music career, but also his health. Just like his song, Crazy Train, Ozzy’s sobriety was up and down; constantly careening down dark tunnels as he struggled to get the runaway train inside of him back on track. Even when the violence stopped, the emotional pain did not. After a four year affair with his hairstylist from 2012 – 2016, the betrayal trauma was so immense that Sharon contemplated suicide.
In an interview with AXS TV, six years after the affair, she shared her true thoughts. ‘I was so broken,’ she shared somberly. ‘I’d taken all kinds of shit that you could throw at me…but this? Never this. I was totally broken. I was in a very, very bad place.’
Despite all of the trauma, abuse, betrayal and heartache, Sharon refused to leave – or at least, for long. Ozzy continued to bounce up and down with his sobriety, walking in and out of treatment centres, until finally, the couple found stability and a life free from addiction and violence.
Speaking candidly on their podcast The Osbournes in 2024, Ozzy shared of the enormous respect he had for his wife and all she’d put up with, sharing: “Sharon is like my soul mate. I can’t live without her – I don’t want to live without her.”
“The love I have for you and my kids is a love you can’t buy,” he said passionately.
Since Ozzy’s passing, social media has once again been awash with romantic clips and memories of Ozzy and Sharon’s love – and whilst the love they shared was clear to see, we must remember this: Yes, Ozzy Osbourne changed for his family, but according to experts and research, most violent partners don’t.
Sydney Psychotherapist, Julie Sweet, says that whilst change can occur, it is not common.
“Based on my clinical experience, this rarely happens,” she said. “The situation is nuanced and complex, and each person’s circumstances are different. [Fundamentally] people only change their behaviour when they choose to do so for themselves, not for someone else. Until then, their behaviour does not change.”
Carly Evans, a trauma-informed coach and former parole officer agrees.
“I’ve worked for the last 18 years in the field of intimate partner abuse, primarily in Community Corrections, supervising perpetrators of domestic violence,” she says. “It’s not at all common for a perpetrator with addiction issues to change for their spouse/partner.
“The desire to change has to come from an intrinsic motivation – they have to want to do it for themselves to be able to stick with the changes they need to make to overcome the behaviour causing pain. Change rarely lasts when you’re doing it because it’s what someone else wants for you.”
Like Sweet and Evans, these nuances are something I understand all too well.
As someone who walked away from a man with addiction issues in my early 20s – a man who not only raped me, but who went on to abuse at least one other woman after me and narrowly avoided jail – I know that love is not enough to make someone change; and had I stayed, my life may have ended up like his future partner, who suffered immense abuse.
As I sit writing this article, I have many mixed feelings – both as a survivor of abuse who chose to walk away from an addict, and as someone who recognises the work Ozzy did to turn his life around. What I’ve come to, is this:
Yes, we can celebrate the redemption of couples like The Osbournes, and the hard yards that Ozzy put into transforming his life from addiction to sobriety, but we must also acknowledge that for most couples, ‘staying’ does not guarantee a happy ending.
At a time where, on average, one (or more) Australian men murder their current or former partners every week, it’s important to acknowledge the truth: despite what we see on social media, waiting for a partner to change is not a badge of loyalty. It’s dangerous, and for women in particular it can be deadly.
“The trauma bond keeps them hooked with fleeting good moments, but the cost is huge,” says Evans, who is now a trauma informed coach for domestic violence survivors. “Lost years, emotional damage, and real danger…Waiting for change can mean gambling with your life (and the lives of your children if you have them.) Real change begins when the woman chooses herself.”
Sweet agrees that whilst it can be understandable for victim-survivors to want to stay and wait, it can be ‘lethal’ in some situations.
“Victims may hold onto hope due to their emotional investment in their partner and the fact that the abuser’s behaviour is inconsistently abusive, with moments or periods of kindness or love, which keeps their hope alive,” she says.
“The problem, however, is that without a change in behaviour, there can be no repair or healing. Therefore, it’s essential that perpetrators seek treatment.”
The outcome, Sweet says, may be positive or negative, and it’s essential that victim-survivors have a safety plan in place with a professional provider, such as a doctor, psychotherapist, or domestic violence support service.
Though the Osbourne’s lives seem to have been filled with relatively more stability and love over the past decade (even throughout Ozzy’s battle with Parkinsons), I question: Did Sharon really need to suffer so much in the pursuit of a loving relationship? And is this a relationship that we should really be glorifying?
Yes, we want to believe in hope. Yes, we want those who are suffering with mental illness, addiction or anger issues to seek professional support. But no one has a responsibility to stay with a violent or substance/sex addicted partner simply because they made a vow. Marriage – or children – should never be used as an excuse to stay in dangerous situations, or held up as the benchmark for what a ‘good woman’ looks like. The Osbournes are the exception not the rule, when it comes to redemption love stories, and we need to remember that in violent relationships, ‘sticking it out’ or ‘committing to your vows’ more often than not leads to further pain, betrayal, and – for women especially – death.
Jas Rawlinson is an award-winning speaker, survivor-advocate, and creator of the ‘Red Flags 101’ program. Order her books here, or connect with Jas via Instagram or her website.
If you or someone you know is experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, domestic, family or sexual violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au for online chat and video call services.
If you are concerned about your behaviour or use of violence, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit http://www.ntv.org.au.
***
Become a Women’s Agenda Foundation member and support our work! We are 100% independent and women-owned. Every day, we cover the news from a women’s perspective, advocating for women’s safety, economic security, health and opportunities. Foundation memberships are currently just $5 a month.
Bonus: you’ll receive our weekly editor’s wrap of the key stories to know every Saturday.