One of the most recent and widespread trends on TikTok is the concept of #boysober. The rules of “boy sober”? No dating apps, no dates, no exes, no hook-ups. The trend is seeing thousands of women upload videos describing why they’ve gone boy sober, and the benefits.
What would cause this kind of heterosexual exodus? Two words: dating apps.
In recent years, dating apps have transformed the landscape of modern romance, offering convenience, accessibility, and the promise of connection at the swipe of a finger.
However, beneath the glossy surface lies a growing trend: women are increasingly leaving dating apps, citing concerns ranging from safety to cybersecurity. In Australia, this exodus is particularly notable, shedding light on broader societal issues and the pitfalls of digital courtship.
The number one reason women are going boy sober: the current dating pool is toxic.
When I conducted my research on dating apps and intimacy in 2020, the majority of women in my study had encountered technologically facilitated violence. This included: abusive behaviour; the receipt of unsolicited sexual imagery; the request of sexual imagery; fraudsters; bullying and even, stalking. Many respondents, distressingly, normalised this behaviour, indicating it was part of being on a dating app and in the online domain as a woman. These respondents would often delete their dating apps, block people, and report them. However, it was often unclear what action the dating app had taken as a result of the reporting: and often they would encounter the same person on a different app, or even, the same app.
Some four years later, and over a year on from the National Roundtable on Online Dating Safety convened in January 2023 by Minister for Communications Michelle Rowland and Minister for Social Services Amanda Rishworth – what has changed?
The Roundtable brought together the online dating industry, state and territory governments, the family, domestic and sexual violence sector and victim-survivor advocacy. As a result the Albanese Government put dating apps on notice: self regulate or be regulated. Dating apps were instructed to come up with a voluntary code by mid 2024, and that milestone is fast approaching.
In light of this deadline approaching: the labour of taking action to protect oneself continues to fall disproportionately on women. This burden encompasses various aspects of personal safety and cybersecurity measures. Women frequently find themselves navigating through potential risks such as harassment, stalking, and abuse, requiring them to be vigilant and proactive in safeguarding their well-being. This labor includes tasks such as screening profiles, verifying identities, setting privacy settings, managing communication boundaries, and in many cases leaving dating apps altogether.
The decline of dating app use has been steady: the latest statistics reveal a five per cent decline in user activity on Tinder, the leading global dating app, in 2021. Meanwhile, shares in Bumble and Match Group, the parent company of Tinder, have experienced consistent drops over the past few years. This trend poses a growing challenge for these companies, especially with over 90 per cent of Generation Z expressing frustration with dating apps, as reported by youth research agency Savanta.
One of the primary reasons driving women away from dating apps is the pervasive sense of unease and vulnerability. Despite the convenience they offer, these platforms have also become breeding grounds for harassment, abuse, and assault. Numerous studies have highlighted the alarming prevalence of unsolicited explicit messages, stalking incidents, and catfishing scams targeting women. This climate of fear not only erodes trust but also undermines the fundamental purpose of dating apps as spaces for genuine interaction.
My research demonstrates for many women, the trauma of being on dating apps is not worth the potential of meeting a partner – with many indicating they are unwilling to sacrifice their mental of physical health. These voices and stories are important to change. By centring the voices and experiences of women, we can work towards creating digital environments that are truly inclusive, empowering, and conducive to meaningful connections.
Last year, Australia witnessed a pivotal moment in the discourse surrounding dating app safety, with the convening of the cyber security roundtable. The discussions underscored the urgent need for robust measures to combat harassment and ensure the integrity of these platforms. However, concrete actions and regulatory frameworks have been slow to materialise, leaving many women feeling unprotected and marginalised.
Critics argue that without robust enforcement mechanisms and independent oversight, a voluntary code is little more than an empty gesture, designed to placate public outcry without effecting meaningful change. The onus is on dating apps to demonstrate genuine accountability and prioritise the safety of their users, particularly women who bear the brunt of online harassment and abuse.
As women continue to depart from dating apps in search of safer, more equitable alternatives, the onus is on both industry stakeholders and policymakers to address the underlying issues driving this exodus. It’s imperative that we confront these issues head-on, fostering a culture of safety, respect, and inclusivity within online dating platforms.