Today marks my 20th wedding anniversary. By any measure 20 years is a long time. It’s been a wonderful journey of mostly smooth sailing. I put it down to one key thing: we have a dual-career marriage that prevents us from seeing much of each other during the average working week.
My husband and I reside in the same home but are like passing ships in the night. I leave home at 7.45am each day and arrive home at around 7pm. He leaves home at 3pm and is home again just before 1am. We phone each other during the day for updates on our sons, family, diaries and each other. It’s been that way for the entire life of our youngest child who is now 15.
Yes it caused an additional bit of complexity when the boys were younger. But if we were both working long days in our respective careers I would have had to organize the same level of extra care for the boys.
We have had to be quite disciplined in enforcing similar rules for the boys as we were rarely together to parent them. But as a result we both have great relationships with our sons. I have had to adjust to the role of single parent at school events and meetings, but my husband would always take a leave day from work if one of our sons was in a play or being awarded a prize.
The upside is that after 20 years I still look forward to seeing him. If on the odd occasion he arrives home from work early or I have lost track of time and am still working on my laptop, it’s a wonderful surprise for both of us. We’re like teenagers when we get together and can chat endlessly about anything. We enjoy spending time together. The weekends are wonderful.
But we are also independent people so our weekday ‘shifts’ allow us to spend guilt-free time apart. Now that our sons are teenagers I am able to enjoy the company of my girlfriends for dinner, shows, movies during the week without feeling that I am leaving my husband alone. He too benefits from days to himself. My husband has developed a taste for ocean swims so spends a few days a week swimming in the ocean pool at the beach before getting ready for work in the afternoon.
Whenever anyone asks me the secret to our happy marriage I always pinpoint the independence created by our dual-career marriage.
And we are not alone. Increasingly I am hearing of couples in dual-career marriages who spend most of their weeks apart. I know of two women with successful careers that tie them to the city, who are married to men with careers in the country. They live apart during the week and together on the weekends. They love it because it provides time for career clarity and focus on week days. Both are in roles that require attendance at evening industry events. They are able to attend without the guilt often associated with a night out without a partner. Neither of those women have young children which clearly would complicate such an attractive situation. When I speak to these women they discuss the situation created by their careers in positive terms. In fact, their face lights up.
My husband and I will spend our 20th anniversary apart as it’s a Wednesday and our respective careers will keep us apart. However, we are in the process of planning a European holiday to celebrate this important milestone for later in the year when the timing is better for our day jobs. We have the prospect of spending a few weeks together to look forward to. We never take our time together for granted.
Do you know of couples who are apart more often than they are together due to career choices?