How to say what needs to be said – at home, at work and in between

Each of us wants to be heard and understood and yet invariably we find ourselves understood in one area of our life and not another. We may feel powerful in the workplace while impotent in getting our children’s attention or our partner’s co-operation. As humans we tend to “move towards pleasure” and “away from pain”, so we can find ourselves paying more attention to aspects of our lives where we feel empowered and heard, and away from those where we experience the opposite. To avoid this, we need to take back our power to be heard.

Quality communication gives quality results
Often we think of communication as something that happens when we are talking or listening. We accept that the person hearing the information doesn’t need to be physically present (for instance, if they are talking to us on the phone). For communication to have taken place, three things must happen:

1. The listener understands the intent of the person speaking.
2. The listener acknowledges the information or the meaning intended by the speaker.
3. The speaker must have worked out what they want to say and must have organised the message to suit the listener.

But communication begins before there is even a message between a speaker and a listener. Communication – the passing and receiving of information – happens inside as much as between us. The messages, beliefs, values and stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, are communication to ourselves. Our self-concept, what we think we are capable of, the self-talk that fills our busy mind, are all communication. Our internal stream of thoughts, particularly if unchecked, limits our openness to change ourselves. Our self-talk colours our beliefs and expectations of other people. It inhibits our ability to be more open-minded and available to others so that we really listen and make decisions based on a deep understanding of what we hear when another person is speaking. All this interferes with connecting with other people and getting them to understand and take you seriously.

How do you know if someone understands you?
In business or relationships, we often focus so much on the content of our message that in conveying it, there is little room to check out other people’s understanding or notice when they have picked up the wrong end of the stick. You can use three techniques to confirm that what you intended is what is being received.

1. Regularly interact with your audience (whether one person or a whole gathering). Use open questions that avoid a yes or no response to check that they understand.
2. Learn to read body language, taking into account cultural, gender, personal and age-related differences that subtly or directly indicate what has been received.
3. Ask questions to ensure people understand, particularly when the audience says that they understand to avoid appearing foolish or because they want the meeting to end.

Getting people to understand you requires you to have the skills to understand them so you can ensure that others don’t just play “lip service” to what you are asking for; instead you can challenge their commitment to what they agree to do rather then becoming disappointed later.

In gathering research for my new book Communicate, I interviewed 25 CEOs/senior executives from a wide range of industries. While there were differences in the advice and wisdom they offered, they all agree on one principle that underpins effective communication. This principle is that in order to be an effective communicator from the boardroom to the bedroom, an individual must have:

1. A high level of self-reflection and self-knowledge.
2. Willingness to take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to them.
3. Eagerness to understand their part in creating what happens all their relationships, both personal and business.

In short, these CEOs and senior executives validated what I’ve learnt in over 23 years as a psychologist, that people who are taken seriously by others “get their own house in order first”. They are what I call “Calm Communicators”. They not only use these three qualities, but can combine them with excellent language, listening and interpersonal skills.

People can be taught to be Calm Communicators, who can then demonstrate personal congruence at work and at play. Congruence in this respect means rapport within oneself, or internal and external consistency, which is perceived by others as sincerity or personal alignment.

By combining effective skills training with the ability to be reflective, mindful and open-minded towards oneself and one’s hidden influences from within, a person can become a superior communicator who gets their message across with impact – while building and maintaining satisfying relationships. Calm Communication is how an individual can truly take back their power to be heard from the boardroom to the bedroom, and … everywhere in-between.