When my first child was 8 months old I did what many mothers before me have done: I started a blog. And, honestly, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My blog (which has been in retirement in recent times) hasn’t ever earned me a cent but it gave me something incredibly valuable. It infused my life with stimulation, connection and confidence, during a time when I desperately needed each of those things.
Three or four times a week I would use my daughter’s lunchtime sleep to write. I wrote about her, about our life, about things I’d read, places I’d visited and even just things I’d thought about. I realise how nauseatingly narcissistic that sounds but it really was a sanity saver.
It gave structure to my largely unstructured days and it enabled me to channel some intellectual energy into something other than my daughter’s routine. It allowed me to connect with friends and family on the other side of the world and even some strangers. It gave me something to think about and, truthfully, it helped me understand – and enjoy – my new identity.
My following was modest (though I like to think what my readers lacked in large numbers, they made up for in style, wit and wisdom) but even with a relatively small group of readers I was able to create a little corner in the world wide web that was my own. As trivial as that might sound, it was actually incredibly valuable.
I have always thought there is a sad irony in the derision of “mummy bloggers”, much of which is implicit in the label itself. There is no doubt in my mind that one of the reasons blogging is so popular among modern mothers is because it helps them to make sense of the new world they’re inhabiting. The fact a medium to facilitate that is so often dismissed as a silly and indulgent hobby just reinforces why many mothers seek out that understanding in the first place.
Having a baby has always been life-changing but that change, in a practical sense, is perhaps more profound than ever before for women. Last year maternal health advocate Dr Joan Garvan wrote that modern families face unprecedented change with very little social support and that it is felt especially keenly by new mothers.
Leaving the world of work where you are accustomed to feeling competent at fulfilling clearly defined responsibilities into the unknown world of motherhood where the tasks are foreign, initially at least, is daunting. That some mothers feel that less doesn’t make it any more real for the women who do find it tough.
Coming to grips with this change – in both a practical and emotional sense – is why I believe blogging is prolific among mothers. And, just as the desire among mothers to write blogs is strong, so too is the appetite among parents for anything that meaningfully conveys the reality of raising children.
Of course some might argue that we are inundated with articles and opinions on the topic of what it’s really like to be a parent. In some ways that’s true; there is plenty written on the topic. But take a look at the comments on any article around parenting, or the scolding tone that is so often used by commentators when analysing parents’ choices, and you will see the volume of content hasn’t necessarily translated into understanding.
Mothers (so rarely fathers) having the audacity to use child care when they’re not even “working”? How perfectly indulgent. Mothers taking their children to cafes? How dare they. Breastfeeding their babies in public? Could they not have the decency to make every other person in the public space feel comfortable before tending to their demanding infant? And don’t even start on paid parental leave.
I recently read a letter on The Huffington Post that I wasn’t remotely surprised to see had been shared by more than 103K people on Facebook. Rather than condemning a mother for being on her iPhone at the park the writer was understanding. In theory, looking at your iPhone while you’re at the park with your children might sound very bad. In reality, as with many things with small children, nothing is that simple.
Anyone who has looked after small children knows the myriad of reasons why that’s the case so why is a simple letter stating those reasons so wildly popular? Probably because the prevailing view is that a mother ought not to have any visible responsibilities outside tending to her children.
The maddening thing, as the writer points out, is tending to one’s children requires all manner of other tasks some of which are facilitated by their iPhone. Quite apart from that though mothers also quite legitimately have needs and demands outside their children – they have jobs, friends, families, their health, their wellbeing that they are perfectly entitled to tend to. That that needs to be spelled out and justified is telling.
In my view the combination of these unrealistic expectations on mothers and a lack of societal understanding, is what fuels the so-called mummy wars which are synonymous with mummy blogs. Modern mothers live in a world where they cannot win. For every person who is critical of a mum working or having their children in daycare, there will be another person who is critical of them not working or not working enough.
Mothers encounter misunderstanding in big and small ways on a daily basis. If you don’t believe me you’re probably contributing to the reason why so many women turn to blogging. They want an outlet to be heard, or even better, be understood.