Esther Perel has spent 40 years studying relationships all over the world, but has been questioning the role of technology on intimacy, connectivity and the consequences of technology reducing the ‘friction’ we need to feel alive.
While the psychotherapist certainly sees the benefits of such connectivity — as well as the conveniences technology creates — she’s questioning how social media, and now Artificial Technology particularly, may further take from the connectivity humans long for.
Excerpts from her SXSW address a few weeks back have been doing the rounds online, especially noting the raw points she made on the impact of “soothing” ourselves through our phones, measuring success via social media and moving to get answers and knowledge from AI.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about modern loneliness, which masks itself as hyperconnectivity,” Perel said, during the one hour address.
“We live in a world of curated, filtered imagery, that puts us in a constant state of comparison and self esteem has become contingent on performance. And performance is measured on engagement metrics.”
She spoke about technology providing many conveniences which she harnesses herself, such as alerts and calendar updates, and constant entertainment and perceived comfort.
But Perel says technology eliminating social friction is a problem.
“De-risking and automating life is turning intimacy into a flat commercialized process that eliminates errors. And it simultaneously is also atrophying the social muscles that we need to have social relationships,” she said.
“They promise to eliminate friction. To smooth the brought edges. We’ve all been stroking these phones. I fear we may be smoothing life’s edges, to the point of flatness.”
Perel noted that for the past decade or so, people have been with each other physically but now, in many cases, we’re in a form of “artificial intimacy” which sees social disruptions and interruptions as normalised and socially acceptable.
“We have come to accept distracted attention as enough,” she said.
Perel also spoke of people spending more time trying to “crack the algorithm of their dating apps to get better options” than they do actually dating people.”
She said the “relentless focus on optimisation” that has harmed our ability to be present and available to each other.”
“A unique part of intimacy is that when we allow ourselves to truly meet another, we also meet new parts of who we are.”
Opening the session, Perel described receiving a message from a friend informing her that a man had broken up with his girlfriend, and had created an ‘AI Esther Perel’ to help him through the process or understanding relationships, which was trained on Perel’s own podcast.
“I didn’t imagine immortality to come in the form of a machine,” she said.
“Part of me was flattered. Part of me felt plagiarised. Another part of me was deeply concerned about the clinical and ethical implications. Mostly, however, I was fascinated…. This AI Esther, is she better than me? Her creator reported that she was! She was pure. No risk of being distracted by something that had happened in a previous session, or in her previous life. She was knowledgeable… unlike the real me, who is often forgetful. And she was always available.”
However, this AI version of Perel was missing real intimacy, and potentially giving false ideas on what to expect from real connections from others.
Perel has spent 40 years studying relationships with people all over the world — from romantic to friendships and work relationships. She described the many different “situations” of relationships, with each such arrangement necessitating a different definition of intimacy, saying “all of these are shaped by how technology is affecting and shaping human behaviour.”
She has shared a number of relationship dilemmas — and then highlighted how none have easy, binary answers.
“Intimacy is embodied. AI Esther is not. But I am. And you are. You have known intimacy since you were in the womb,” said Perel. “For a year and a half before you uttered your first word, you mastered the language of the body. You knew the language of intimacy. Touch, smell, sight, eye contact, taste, sound. Do not forget, you are alive.”
We know online communities can be extremely gratifying… but we also know that youngsters today are online all day. Research is showing this is creating unprecedented anxiety and depression, particularly for girls. And we wonder why there is a growing mental health crisis?
While, Perel described being impressed by AI Esther’s answers– it said all the right words and stuck to right script– it was still just providing generic answers.
“What concerns me is how this AI is affecting our relationships with humans,” she said. “In the real world, humans are not automatically available to soothe you. We did this previously with junk food — the promise or always available, fast food provided a huge market, and now we are realising the consequences of this.”
“In trying to reduce complex issues to zeros and ones, we have become more black and white. Especially in our questions about our relationships. But the problems you have come to me with, require technocolour answers.”
Perel went on to say that, “many of us are living with heavy questions that don’t have right and wrong answers. Whatever decision you make, will come with consequences that you must carry. Every choice carries grief for the choices we didn’t make.
“The silent promise of our screens is the false idea we can make these choices without this grief.”