Antoinette Lattouf’s perinatal depression started before her second child was born. At about thirty-six weeks of pregnancy, she was losing weight, unable to sleep and anxious about going into labour.
“[It] sounds so awful, but I was dreading the moment that [giving birth] would become a reality, and so the labour was quite difficult,” Lattouf says as she bravely shares her raw and honest experience of motherhood on episode two of our new ‘It Takes Boobs’ podcast supported by Stella Insurance.
Far too often, women’s stories of resilience and leadership go untold. And we know that so often, it’s women at the forefront of the brave push for progress. With this new Women’s Agenda podcast series, ‘It Takes Boobs’, supported by Stella Insurance, we’re challenging the typical sexist trope of it “taking balls” to get big things done.
An award-winning journalist, author and diversity advocate, Lattouf understands the power in sharing real stories, but she also knows the courage it requires.
“Sharing is really hard and it’s raw and it’s vulnerable and some say it’s powerful and it will help others, but what it does is it means that you dip back into that really traumatic part of your life,” she says.
Despite this, Lattouf has chosen to speak openly about her personal experience with perinatal depression to help other women experiencing a similar journey feel less alone.
“My perinatal anxiety and depression started before my second was born,” she says, “so I was feeling sad and really worried and unable to sleep.”
When Lattouf finally did go into labour, her mental health was challenged even further. As the midwives handed her baby to her to hold, Lattouf felt empty and sad.
“I’d go as far as saying I felt a little repulsed,” she says.
“That is like the worst thing a mother can say because you’re meant to have this bundle of joy in your arms and feel instant love and look into their eyes and feel that your world makes sense.”
“And that goes against everything a mother should feel or is told she should feel,” says Lattouf.
Following the birth, her anxiety at the hospital proceeded to escalate to the point where she tried to leave and “escape”.
“All I was doing was plotting my escape route, and a midwife found me in the hallway,” she says.
“I had to be sedated and taken back to my room. So I knew I wasn’t okay.”
Returning to everyday life turned out to be a struggle as well. Even though Lattouf says she was “predisposed to a bit of anxiety”, the numbness and sadness she now felt was much different.
“The inability to see the light in the day– that was new for me,” she says. “And when it tipped over into really depressing and dark thoughts, that terrified me because anybody who knows me knows I have such a zest for life.”
Recognising that her mental health had taken a dark turn, Lattouf reached out to her familial support system as well as calling a hotline for help and checking herself into hospital during tough periods.
“I acknowledge that I’m privileged in that I had both family resources and financial resources,” she says, adding that she’d done a lot of stories on mental health in her career so understood the steps she had to take to get support.
“As a culture, we’re pretty impatient, and as a culture, we like to do better and be the best version [of ourselves],” says Lattouf.
“You can be [the best version of yourself], but we don’t really make space for some of the yucky stuff.”
“And I’m not suggesting you sit in the deepest darkest depression of your life and just kind of mull in it and have a little sad party, but I think there is an enormous amount of power in just feeling what you feel [and] understanding what it is.”