“Just put your phone down”.
You’ve probably told yourself that. You may have muttered it to your partner, or begged your teenage kids, or silently screamed it at yourself at 11:47pm when you promised you’d be asleep by 10. Deep down, most of us know we need to… but somehow, we can’t.
And it’s not because we’re weak. Or lazy. Or lacking discipline.
A video on Instagram in the last few weeks brought this into sharp, uncomfortable focus.
Michelle Andrews from Shameless Media spoke about her mum’s illness and how she had found herself reaching for her phone in moments she knows are precious and fleeting. It was raw and honest. My heart broke hearing it, but I also recognised it instantly.
Because this is all of us.
We care deeply. We want to be present. And yet our thumb is halfway to the home screen before our brain has even caught up. We know better… and still, we scroll.
The average person spends nearly five hours a day on their phone. Gen Z? Around seven.
So let me say the thing we all need to hear:
“Just put your phone down” is not very helpful advice. We’re not dealing with a bad habit. We’re dealing with something engineered to hook us.
Our phones are built, meticulously and intentionally, to keep us scrolling. Bright colours. Notification badges. Pull-to-refresh. Autoplay. This is all behavioural psychology, not coincidence.
It’s the same mechanism that keeps pokies humming in the corner of every pub. A little dopamine hit each time you check. A tiny “maybe” reward just waiting behind the swipe.
So when you grab your phone without thinking, especially when you’re tired, stressed, lonely or desperate for a quick moment of relief, your system is doing exactly what it’s been trained to do:
Seek comfort, fast. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human inside a system designed to override human biology.
So, what can we actually do?
Firstly, realise relying on willpower is setting yourself up to fail.
In one famous psychology study, participants were asked to resist a plate of freshly baked cookies while trying to complete math puzzles (the others were allowed to just eat the cookie).
The ones who had to resist the cookies gave up on the math puzzles more quickly than participants who were allowed to eat the cookies. Their self-control was already depleted. That’s exactly what’s happening every time you try to “just stop scrolling.”
You’re resisting a digital tray of freshly baked cookies all day long. Willpower runs out. And when it does, shame rushes in to fill the gap.
So instead of telling ourselves to be stronger, we need to change the environment we’re operating in.
Notice the trigger, not the tap
Before you pick up your phone, ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Bored? Overwhelmed? Lonely? Avoiding something? Craving a hit of connection? Frustrated by the kids and desperate for a micro-escape?
This moment of awareness shifts you out of autopilot and back into choice.
What could you give yourself that would actually help? A deep exhale, a walk to the letterbox, a phone call with a friend? I have written a whole book on this if you need a whole lot more ideas. Anything that regulates you is always going to serve you better than another mindless scroll.
What could you give yourself that would actually help? A deep exhale, a walk to the letterbox, a quick call to a friend? And if you need a whole stack more ideas, I did write a whole book on this. Anything that regulates you is going to serve you far better than another mindless scroll.
Use an emotions wheel (yes, make it your screensaver)
Not sure what set you off? Naming your emotion activates the brain’s decision-making centre. It creates space between impulse and action. This isn’t fluffy. It’s neuroscience and it works.
Keep your phone out of reach
A drawer, another room, even a lock box if you’re working. Remove it from your eyeline. The more steps between you and the device, the more time your nervous system has to choose differently.
Make your phone boring
Switch it to grayscale. Removing colour strips away the casino-like stimulation your brain is wired to chase.
Mute the hijackers
Turn off every non-essential notification and take back control. Every ping is a behavioural nudge designed to pull you back in. You decide what gets your attention, not your notifications.
Consider a minimalist or “dumb” phone
If things feel unmanageable, a simple call-and-text-only device can give your nervous system a much-needed reset.
Create no-phone zones
Bedrooms. Dinner tables. Time with the kids. Your wind-down routine. Your nervous system needs protected spaces in order to recharge.
Remember, you’re not the problem
You don’t need more discipline.You don’t need to be a better version of yourself. And you definitely don’t need more shame.
You need environments that support your biology. You need strategies that interrupt the loop. You need compassion for the part of you that’s simply trying to cope.
And maybe, just maybe, the next time that familiar urge hits and your brain whispers “just have a quick look,” you’ll have a little more space, a little more clarity, and a few more tools up your sleeve.
Because it was never about “just putting your phone down.”
It was always about supporting the human holding it.