Apply if you are a feminist, not merely described as such by your wife and daughters when there is an election to be won. You have a consistent track record of advocating for women and their rights. You might even be an actual woman. While unusual for such a senior position, possession of a penis is not an advantage. Indeed, it may actually be an impediment.
However, as the Australian Federal Government is an equal opportunity employer, men may apply, but we are required by our legal advisors to offer the following warning to non-female applicants.
LEGAL WARNING TO NON-FEMALE CANDIDATES.
Before applying, please think carefully. All candidates will be judged only on their merits. The following will not be taken into account.
. What clubs you are a member of.
. What colour tie you wear.
. What sporting team you support.
. What your father did/does.
. What exclusive school you attended.
. What university alumnus association you belong to.
TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN THIS ROLE:
You have a passion for women and girls, if when reading this sentence you thought of anything but equality and social justice issues, please do not apply. If you elbowed the person next to you, this would constitute automatic elimination from consideration.
You regard women as human beings, not as guardians of morality, incubators of potential tax payers or as a servant and subservient class, more interested in doing the ironing than worrying about climate change.
You do not believe that a young woman¹s greatest contribution to the world is her intact virginity.
You are a clear and trustworthy communicator.
You do not answer questions in short phrases repeated three times not even if there may be women, people from working class suburbs or people from language backgrounds other than English in the audience.
You will keep all the promises you make, even if you haven¹t written them down.
You will support a woman’s right to choose and not restrict that to the school she sends her kids to, the colour of her nail polish or the items on her grocery list.
Whenever a policy is presented to the cabinet, you will remember that 52 percent of the population does not have a penis and consider how it will impact them.
You will remind the men (and two women) in Cabinet that women matter. Your KPIs are simple: until women are safe, free, equally paid and equally represented you will receive no bonus. In fact, you will be paid 18 percent less than every other Minister just to remind you daily of how much easier life is when you don¹t have to worry your pretty little head about the cost of living.
Until, of course, you retire with inadequate super and end up living in your car.
To apply, send your resume and cover letter addressing the above criteria to email@example.com
Know someone perfect for this role? Tweet #realministerforwomen @childmags @JaneCaro