The truth is there are lots of things about breastfeeding. There’s the bit that it’s not always possible. That it doesn’t always work. That it can be painful. That it can be wonderful. That it can be tricky. It really is a mixed carton of milk but the thing I want to talk about today is that in 2015 breastfeeding is still the source of outrage.
Yesterday I read about a male customer in a café in Rockhampton being exposed to a mother breastfeeding her baby. The cheek of some women! Luckily being the concerned citizen he is, he approached the owner of the café Cheese and Biscuits to alert them to this travesty. “You should ask her to cover up,” he suggested helpfully to Jessica-Anne Allen.
He was not deterred by her response that it’s a breastfeeding friendly café that hosts lots of mother’s groups and would never ask a mother to cover up. Nor was he willing to take her advice to sit inside if he preferred. Instead he went outside and told that exhibitionist woman to put her breasts away and feed her baby somewhere else.
After realising he did this, Jessica-Anne Allen took his coffee, placed it in a take-away cup and asked him to leave. That is a win. The next time I am in the vicinity of Rockhampton I will stop in to Cheese and Biscuits to thank the owner myself whilst devouring a coffee and a plate of some delicious fare. (Everything tastes better with a side of acceptance so I’m looking forward to it already.)
Despite the triumph in Rockhampton last week, it’s optimistic to believe this sort of sentiment – that breastfeeding should only take place away from the eyes of others – won’t be levelled at another mother sometime soon. Chances are for all the people who, like me, considered Jessica-Anne’s position to be lauded there will be others who pose the question: but why can’t they just cover up? If they insist on feeding their infants outside the confines of their own home why can’t these mothers be discreet?
I’ll tell you. I did not choose to breastfeed my two babies because I revelled in the opportunity to reveal my flesh to members of the public. Truth be told the flesh-revealing aspect of the exercise was the bit I relished least. I didn’t birth my babies, lose my modesty and then jump for joy at the prospect of getting half naked in front of strangers, family members and friends.
Even after feeding two babies I still squirmed inside my head a little at every feed that was given outside my home. I persisted because the milk was readily available, nutritious and, even with the embarrassment, it was a lovely thing to do. I sacrificed a smidgen of my own modesty but I’m ok with that because in the greater scheme of things, I decided the benefits outweighed that minor drawback.
I didn’t ask, or expect, to be lauded for that choice but I did want that choice to be respected and I still do. Not simply the choice to breastfeed but the reality of breastfeeding. That it’s rarely practical for all feeds to take place in the confines of a home, that feeds will take place in public and that even with the best of intentions absolute discretion isn’t always possible.
It’s at this point that some practical experience in nourishing a bambino from one’s breasts is illuminating. Not for lack of trying, it is not always possible to be discreet. Believe me this. Whenever I fed in public I tried to be as discreet as possible – more for my own comfort than anyone else’s. But my babies, like many others, did not always oblige.
Breastfeeding is not an automated process; getting a baby attached does take a little bit of effort. In my experience, that effort was multiplied exponentially when I attempted to do so under the privacy of a wrap. I don’t believe my babies were in the minority in that they invariably squirmed and squawked until I removed the offending fabric.
I came to accept that it was easier to quickly latch them without a cover and then proceed with the feed as modestly as possible. But even with the those intentions my pursuit of privacy often failed. And do you know who that made uncomfortable? Me.
My guess is it made me more uncomfortable than even the most prudish person in my surrounds. Because unless that prudish person was also responsible for feeding a writhing, hungry baby at the exact same time as they were exposing their naked anatomy to anyone nearby, I struggle to see how their discomfort could be anything but minor in comparison.
There are two things I would ask people to consider before telling a mother to cover up whilst feeding. A flash of naked flesh from a feeding mother does not represent her decision to flagrantly flaunt her body. I can only speak for myself but that is so, so, so far from true. Laughably implausible. I promise – practically on behalf of all feeding-women-kind everywhere – even if you see a mother completely expose herself to feed an infant she is not doing that to attract another man or woman’s attention. She is doing that in a bid to feed her baby.
The second thing I would like those inclined to complain about breastfeeding to consider, is why should a feeding mother prioritise the sensibilities of strangers in her presence above her baby’s and her own? Personally I would rather the onus sit with the surrounding members of the public to look away or accept that a mother feeding her baby has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the baby, than to saddle the mum with another layer of responsibility. Because she is already responsible for at least one living, breathing baby and as far as responsibilities go it is pretty relentless. A breastfeeding mum usually has a full plate as it is so if members of the public could find it within themselves simply averting their eyes – that would be ace.
Very mothers in this world choose to breastfeed to make other people feel uncomfortable. Lots of mothers, like myself, do it regardless of the fact it makes them uncomfortable. Just as many mothers probably don’t do it because they aren’t comfortable in public. And of all the different reasons to choose breastfeeding or not, discomfort about doing it in public seems unhelpful. But it’s multiplied when customers like the man in Rockhampton confirm the perception that members of the public aren’t actually okay with breastfeeding.
The thing is if you are okay with breastfeeding the reality is along the way you may see some flesh. If it’s not your flesh on display, then honestly you should count yourself lucky.