I just turned forty. Did you know that about me? Some people have told me they assumed I was much younger, which must be because of my appearance, and surely not my pop culture references. Those are centred firmly in the 80s (just as my birthday is). But as I edged towards the age that life apparently begins at, I wondered – would my life and the life of so many other people I know have ‘begun’ much sooner if it weren’t for the continuous struggle with self-image?
Working with Butterfly over the last 4 years has been one of the most important things I’ve done to increase my own understanding of what it looks like to live with an eating disorder – or, more correctly, to understand that it never looks the same way twice. This fact alone should help you (as it’s helped me) realise that everyone’s self-image is impacted by the messages of dissatisfaction that the media sends out day after day.
Taking on the role of ambassador means I get to be one of the people reminding you that you literally do not have to change yourself, ever – you just have to change whose ideas and feelings you value most (hint: it should be you!).
After all, isn’t what many people characterise as bravery (I could never wear that! You’re so brave!) simply a newfound disregard for the opinions of others?
If I reflect on my life before I chose to renounce the standards I’d so long held myself to, what I recall is that I spent so much time thinking about what other people thought. Not just what they said, openly, with looks of distaste and pity, but what I assumed they thought based on my own beliefs.
I carried the heavy burden of insecurities that I deemed insurmountable. When I thought about what I wanted (we’re not going to talk about why I wanted those things, it was the 2000s), my ‘big’ self – my fat body, loud voice and personality that was too much – was an obstacle blocking my path to success.
The true turning point came after my son was born – while my confidence is something many of my friends would tell you has been apparent since early days, a lot of the time it was bravado. At other times, the misplaced value on the opinions of men who, now that I think of it, weren’t worthy of my time.
Once I became a mother, a realisation hit me – this child saw everything I did and believed it to be right; when he looked at me, he saw the correct and best way to be. Was I going to be the person who told him no, actually, mummy is a ‘failure’ because she didn’t get thin and stay thin? Sorry, little love, but the best mothers are the ones who never get angry, or tired, or wish they could somehow escape to the life they led before motherhood? Well, yep… and the reason I’m so bad at life is because I’m fat? And – sorry about that brown skin. It’s gonna be a bit tougher for you, too.
Yeah, nah. I was absolutely not going to fill his head with lies he would later repeat to himself or to others about what makes someone a good or bad person.
The truth is that my changed perception of my own value didn’t come from shedding the things I believed held me back (I’m still fat, still loud and still A LOT) but from changing what I told myself about them. It wasn’t about conforming or changing; it was about grabbing my uniqueness with both hands and accepting it.
As I turned my Instagram into the place I would make my declarations of “No more!” against body stigma and later, I realised that my lifelong experience with (often internalised) racism and misogyny made my story somewhat unique. However, the responses I received to the things I posted told me I was not alone – which is why I’m so proud to be a part of the work Butterfly is doing to show diverse people in their stories and demonstrate their commitment to lived experience as expertise. As an ambassador for Butterfly, I get to take the things I learn from their work and make it part of what I do – and vice versa. We’re starting the conversation so others feel confident to continue it with facts, data and the knowledge that support exists.
Over the last five years, I’ve realised that the power of self-belief isn’t just personal; it’s the key to professional success.
By challenging societal norms and celebrating individuality, I’ve changed the way people think in my workplace, influenced conversations (or held my hand up and said “nope!” to the ones I don’t want to have) and encouraged the sharing of vulnerable viewpoints that mean more people feel like they can bring their whole selves to work.
The transformative nature of self-love has been critical in my recovery journey, which in some ways only really began after I started working with Butterfly. I didn’t realise that what I experienced had a name for a long time – now I know that struggling with an eating disorder can happen to anyone. Correcting the narrative that suggests we should conform to fit in – either to social ideals of bodies or preconceived ideas of what a body looks like when struggling with an ED.
My goals as an ambassador are pretty simple – I want to change the conversation about bodies permanently and help Butterfly reach even more people who need their support. My plan is to help others focus on the joy it can bring to stand out, unapologetically, and know that they are worthy to receive the support they need to recover.
Anyone needing support with eating disorders or body image issues is encouraged to contact:
· Butterfly National Helpline on 1800 33 4673 (1800 ED HOPE) or visit www.butterfly.org.au to chat online or email
· Eating Disorders Victoria Helpline on 1300 550 23
· For urgent support call Lifeline 13 11 14