When I told my manager I was pregnant I expected the conversation to go like this:
“Mary* I’m 13 weeks pregnant and my due date is July. I’m fine now I’m over the morning sickness.“
“Congratulations Sandra* that’s great news! We’ll have to lighten your workload. You’ve been working so hard lately.”
Instead, this is what happened.
Silence. Clicking tongue.
“Everyone always leaves this team. I’ll have to take on more work now and I’m already overloaded. But you still have to lead the [new product launch] project. You can only go on mat leave after it’s launched.”
This was one of the many cutting comments I received from female managers and colleagues when I was pregnant while working for the in-house legal team of a large Australian company. Experiencing workplace discrimination is bad enough, but what shocked me more is that my female peers were primarily responsible for this behaviour.
As a litigator for many years I thought I was thick-skinned enough to deal with rude, insensitive and sexist comments and behaviour. I copped this shocker from a male partner in the law firm I worked at in the late 90s and shrugged it off as a joke: “So Sandra, are you keeping your legs together?”
I had what I thought was a fairly good relationship with my manager where we talked about the latest Desperate Housewives episode as we saved the company from corporate fines and other disasters. So when I told her I was pregnant, I was not at all prepared for how the situation played out.
My female managers and some of my peers criticised the timing of my pregnancy and my return to work on a part-time basis. They often questioned my commitment to my job while looking after a young child, particularly at review time.
My colleagues and managers were all either married or in a relationship, with or without children and some were also single.
The only support I received during this time was from my male colleagues. They encouraged me to go home early, frequently checked in on my workload and praised my attempts to fit a seven day a week job in three days.
When I wasn’t working I had to put up with catty comments from non working mothers questioning my ability to be a ‘good mother’ to my son. Then when I was at work I had to deal with these remarks: “Everyone else works on their days off why can’t you? I know you don’t work today but just log in now and deal with this matter because I have no one else in the team.”
I was one of many female lawyers with children working in a large team which included an almost even divide of female and male managers, most of whom had families. The company and the team spun an attractive narrative about flexible working arrangements for the many female lawyers with children. Those promoted to management were our role models:
“Look at Nancy*, she has a young daughter but manages a team of six lawyers and a large portfolio of clients working three days a week. And Laura* with two young children works full time supervising a team of five lawyers.”
What this story doesn’t tell you is that Nancy’s managerial workload while caring for a two year old daughter contributed to the breakdown of her marriage. Sadly, the demands of Laura’s full time workload, her managerial responsibilities and caring for two school age children took its toll. She suffered from depression and committed suicide.
Last year, the Australian Human Rights Commission released a scathing report on workplace discrimination. It found that one in two mothers and over a quarter of the fathers and partners surveyed reported experiencing discrimination in the workplace during pregnancy, parental leave or on return to work.
This is a shameful depiction of our workplaces and more work is needed by our regulators, politicians and industry leaders and to address this behaviour. What also needs to be addressed is the hidden secret that women often discriminate against other women just as badly, if not so more, than men in the workplace.
It is trite to say that women should be supportive of our choices both in and outside of the workplace. We cannot expect our male colleagues to stand up and make changes, if we continue to make it harder on ourselves with discriminatory behaviour and judgmental attitudes.
In my case, the devastating impact to my health and wellbeing led me to give up work, brought on early menopause and reduced my family’s economic security.
My son is now almost nine years old and after my forced career break I am working full time in a different industry. I can never recover the lost income and experience of those early years as his primary carer. And I am constantly looking over my shoulder as my experience of workplace discrimination from my former female colleagues makes me wary and suspicious.
It’s time we had a conversation, as uncomfortable as it is, about the impacts of workplace discrimination by women against other women.
*Not their real names. Sandra Park is a pseudonym as the author wished to remain anonymous.
For help with depression and anxiety contact Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636.