There are many reasons that people find Mother’s Day tricky.
Personally, May is hard for me overall because it’s the time of year I lost my own mother, three years ago this year.
For people without mothers, for women who wish to be mothers but aren’t, for those who are estranged from their mothers or children, the day of burnt breakfast in bed and roadside bouquets can be hard to navigate emotionally.
I think, as a society, we are getting better at acknowledging this nuance.
But there’s one group that we perhaps aren’t as aware of the potentially treacherous terrain that Mother’s Day causes them to navigate: the adult sisters of people with disability.
An upfront caveat: most people with disability love to celebrate their family members. But for some siblings, this isn’t necessarily the case.
For the siblings of people with behavioural difficulties, celebrations of any sort, or those that don’t revolve around the person with behavioural issues, the celebrations of life can go by the wayside as families choose to ignore these events to avoid making waves.
For sisters who are now mothers, there can be a fine line to walk – they want to celebrate their mums, their kids want to celebrate them, but sometimes for sisters of people whose behaviours dictate family life, this can be put in the too hard basket.
But this isn’t an issue that arises overnight in families. It usually starts in childhood.
Without meaning to, parents can often look for support from their other children for the child with disability. In the most extreme cases, this can lead to parentification of children. And most often, we see this happening in eldest daughters, as their “nurturer” role leads them to take on additional responsibilities.
Not only is parentification this issue, though: siblings often play down their own emotional needs to try to keep the family waters calm.
And this pattern leads into adult – the subjugation of self for a broader peace.
I was speaking with a mum recently who is in this very position. For years since her sister sustained a life-altering injury in childhood, which resulted in a personality change, every celebration for the family has been fraught.
Her sister gets easily upset and acts out if she is not the centre of attention and the time and location of the celebrations usually start with her needs not those of the sibling and her mother. The sister is not a mother.
But the woman I spoke to – her sibling – is. And of course, so is their mum. But for years, she’s felt that celebrations are “too hard” – they know that the sister will be upset that this isn’t a day centred around her.
The family are very aware of her needs, and they want to support her needs.
But this adult sibling I was speaking to? She wants to be the focus just for a few hours on this special day. She wants to be celebrated. She wants to celebrate her mother and her achievements as a mother with her children.
So when you’re thinking about the mums for whom Sunday might be a bit difficult please also remember the siblings who are using additional emotional bandwidth to support their brothers or sisters, but who also want and deserve their moment in the sun.
Siblings do incredible work supporting their brothers and sisters. For those mother-siblings, this Sunday is a time they deserve to shine and celebrate and I invite you join me in a shout out to the many Australian mothers who are also siblings – we see you and celebrate you. Please remember, you are amazing – choose what suits you this Mother’s Day as it’s your day to shine.