From time to time, and in different circumstances, all of us will doubt ourselves and experience some insecurity. But habitually self-criticising, being negative, and ignoring positive aspects of oneself are signs of low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.
These issues can affect relationships, friendships and life in general. If someone constantly withdraws from social situations, judges themselves too harshly and basically treats themselves inadequately, it’s not healthy for mental wellbeing.
In the worse case scenarios self-esteem issues can psychologically affect a person, whereby some may feel hopeless and start exhibiting self-harming behaviours. In these situations it is always wise to seek professional advice.
Changing the way we perceive ourselves might be easier said than done, but there are some strategies which may help build confidence.
Confidence building strategies
Total Balance Personal Coach and Meditation Teacher, Kate James says one of the first strategies to become more confident is to find out what your natural strengths are.
“Because our brain has a strong negative bias, we tend to look at things we’re not doing well in, rather than focusing on what is going well and what we’re good at,” James says.
Free online resources, like the VIA Strengths Survey, may help a person recognise good qualities about themselves. “It promotes positive psychology which focuses on looking at a person’s strengths instead of focusing on weaknesses,” James explains.
LifeWorks Psychologist Sue Pratt says focusing on self care is a key aspect to building confidence, especially in terms of physical, relational and psychological self care.
“Physical self care relates to good nutrition, exercise and sufficient sleep. Relational self-care is about ensuring that your relationships with a partner, friends and colleagues are respectful and healthy.
“Psychological self care focuses on living by your values, setting boundaries and developing assertiveness skills,” Pratt says.
Counsellor and Gestalt Psychotherapist Susie Carr agrees, saying having an active and healthy attitude towards your whole self, mind and body is vital to be confident.
“Be a supportive friend and colleague. Talk to people directly instead of talking about them to others. Most importantly don’t compare yourself to others,” Carr says.
Upstairs Coaching Life Couch and Counsellor Alex Kingsmill says a good way to start feeling more confident is to witness any negative self-talk, rather than engaging with it.
“Whenever you hear an internal put-down, acknowledge it (‘oh look, I’m criticising myself’) and then move on. The more you practice this, the less control that type of thinking will have over you and the more confident you will feel,” Kingsmill says.
The power of positive self-talk
Another way to help gain confidence is to practice positive self-talk.
“Positive self-talk is when you give yourself positive messages about yourself which results in a sense of wellbeing,” Susie Carr explains.
“Positive self-talk is about giving yourself affirming messages, for example, I’m finding this subject challenging but if I keep studying, I’ll be ok come exam time. This kind of message will result in a positive sense of behaviour.”
Instead of gravitating thoughts towards the negative, James says it’s important to train your mind to pay attention to positive things. For example, if a performance review at work isn’t entirely glowing, or you get some negative feedback in a particular setting, don’t just focus on the bad news. Pay attention to the good things that were said too.
Find your motivation
Meditation is one tool to help become more aware of negative thoughts using mindfulness.
“If you’re self-critical meditation can help you to balance that out,” James says. “You also learn to look at the things going well in life rather than making yourself feel miserable from a distorted view of reality.”
Exercise also plays an important role in boosting an individual’s state of mind.
James says an active lifestyle has enormous benefits for mental health, especially as it releases serotonin, a chemical substance from the brain accountable for boosting your mood and making you feel happy.
“More importantly, make time and do things you love. Often people make choices in life about what other people expect of them to do,” James says.
Pratt says it’s also good to stay in the present and don’t think too far ahead or dwell on the past. She also believes in setting goals.
“Setting SMART goals – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time specific is a great motivation tool. Celebrate your successes. Address your energy levels through physical self-care and expose yourself to motivating forces by surrounding yourself with positive people,” Pratt says.
Although no one is the same and we all deal with things in different ways, James says being responsible and understanding to be self-aware of your thoughts is “integral as you’re the only person who will make choices that can make yourself happy”.
Feel better about life
Alex Kingsmill says positive psychology suggests that well-being comes from five essential sources.
“We are happiest when we feel in charge of our own lives, when we believe that we are competent and that we’re doing well, and when we feel connected to people around us,” Kingsmill says. “By focusing on each of these areas, you can improve the way you feel about life.”
Positive emotion: Do stuff that simply makes you feel good – drink great coffee, walk in the sun, laugh with friends, play with your dog, read a good book in bed. Do anything that gives you a boost.
Engagement: Get involved in activities where you’re so engaged, so absorbed that you lose track of yourself and of time. Being in flow like this boosts satisfaction, reduces stress and anxiety and enhances well-being.
Relationships: Cultivate connections with other people, in real life! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and messages don’t count. Call someone, have a real conversation and organise to meet up in person.
Meaning: Connect with something bigger than yourself. Do stuff each week that fits with your values and gives you a sense of purpose.
Accomplishment: Engage in activities that give you a sense that you’re achieving something and that you’re improving. It might be work, sport or a hobby.