Are you ready to disappoint people in 2023? Dr Nicole LePera has some advice for doing so and is encouraging others to follow.
Posting a highly shared thread on Twitter (and going viral within hours of writing) Dr LePera says that like many women, she suffers from “good girl” conditioning, which is learning how to make other people feel comfortable, neglecting your own needs and avoiding the word “no” to minimise your own guilt.
She describes learning these “good girl” behaviours in childhood, with some of her clearest memories involving her mother rehearsing excuses with her, including practicing lines to avoid going to a friend’s party that she didn’t want to attend, at around 10 years old. She says her mother had good intentions in doing so, especially as she had been conditioned on “good girl” beliefs in the same way.
Dr LePera, a psychologist and author of How To Do The Work, describes “good girl” beliefs as including the idea that you can’t just turn down or say no to an invite – rather, you need to have an acceptable reason for not going. Another part of the belief is that you must over-apologise and over-explain why you’re not going, and that “it’s not ok to disappoint people.” Further, she says that “good girl” beliefs involve the thinking that “my needs don’t really matter” and that “my role in life is to be liked”.
“The past couple of years, I’ve noticed this ‘good girl’ conditioning come up often.” Dr LePera tweeted. “I witness in myself a knee-jerk reaction to not check in with myself about how I feel, but instead act from a space of not wanting to upset someone else.”
But Dr LePera says that by doing the above, she makes people small. “I operate under the belief that they’ll be crushed if I can’t make something or say no. And that’s just not true. Even when my mind tells me it is.”
“In fact, all these years I spent over-explaining and over-apologising I was actually making things awkward for people.
“Often, they would have to comfort and reassure me.
“And, why should they have to do that?”
Dr LePera says that her 2023 goal is to let go of this belief that her role in life is to be liked, and to actually get comfortable instead with the idea that she may very well disappoint people.
“And, maybe most importantly, I’m going to give up the [idea] that adults can’t deal with being disappointed. Becase, they can. It’s part of life.”
So what if more of us let go of the “good girl” conditioning, and found a way to be OK with disappointing others?
We might create less work for ourselves – and possibly less work for others also.
Dr LePera tweets at @theholisticpsyc and specialises in healing, running a global community for individuals to connect over their healing journeys.