Psychologist Simone Jeavons specialises in coercive control, family and domestic violence and family law court matters. In this piece, she shares examples of the many faces of coercive control to help shed light on how insidious this form of abuse can be.
***
She travels away for work, he can’t be controlling.
He let’s her travel because when she is away he is letting her know she mean’s nothing to him. He doesn’t call her. He doesn’t answer her calls if she tries to contact him. He doesn’t want to know where she is going or where she is staying. He doesn’t call her when she is away on her birthday. He doesn’t take her to the airport or pick her up. He doesn’t speak to her upon her return. The silent treatment can last for days or weeks. Some of her things may be missing upon her return. The kitchen has been completely rearranged and she can’t find anything. One time the lid of her wok had been smashed, another time her late Grandmother’s antique cake tins had been destroyed. But nothing is said.
He is so proud of his wife, bragging about her to others, calling her his Lorna Jane wife. He doesn’t put her down.
He tells everyone he’s hit the jackpot, having a wife who is so fit and healthy. Behind closed doors he tells her she repulses him, she looks like a man and pretends to vomit when she undresses. When she collects him from work he goes berserk at her for not wearing something that accentuates her figure because he wanted to show her off to his work colleagues. “You made me look like a liar,” he says. The very next day he tells her to cover up in baggy clothes because that is how she ‘looks best’.
She spends time travelling to see her family, or having them stay with her, that’s the opposite of isolation.
He keeps up the façade when others are around. He is charming, kind and considerate. He goes out of his way to impress his in-laws and do nice things for them. His image of being a ‘good bloke’ is very important to him. Ingratiating himself into her family gives him a lever to pull, when needed. She knows as soon as she gets off the plane back home or gets home from dropping her family at the airport, there will be a price to pay. He will be drunk, she will be berated, he will call her names, he will throw his empty bundy and cola bottles at her. He will refuse to have sex with her for weeks. The silent treatment will start all over again. It is the price she pays for spending time with family.
She holds down a great job and earns good money, so she can’t be in a coercively controlling relationship because otherwise she would just leave.
She has been told day in, day out, how useless she is. How no one would want her. How lucky she is that he puts up with her. How angry she is. How she causes problems everywhere she goes. How she can’t cope without him. How he will disappear with the children and she will never find him. How he will hang himself in the garage, he already has the rope in there ready. How he will ruin her financially. How everything belongs to him and she won’t get a cent. How he will report her to her professional registration board so she will never work again. How he will tell lies to the family court about her. He takes her savings to build a carport for his ‘toys’. He takes half of her maternity leave money to pay for her stepdaughter’s braces, without asking. She can’t complain or she looks like a vindictive step-mother. She has to return to work earlier than planned.
He is so caring when she has the baby. He doesn’t want to be away from her.
He delays taking her to the hospital when she is in labour. He gets the washing off the line, has a shave, packs a bag for himself, takes his time. She doesn’t beg him to hurry. She knows the consequences of this; he will just take longer. The baby is born 18 minutes after arriving at the hospital. He leaves her in the hospital all day on her own then tells her that she must come home and can’t stay overnight. The doctor won’t let her go, she is concerned for her wellbeing. He takes her home anyway, the day after the baby is born. The doctor doesn’t report her concerns. No one knows she has had the baby. She has no visitors at the hospital. She has no visitors at home. There are no Facebook posts. When he goes back to work she goes to the child health nurse – the nurse is worried about her and visits her at home. The nurse tries to give her the confidence to leave. He comes home unexpectedly in the middle of the next home visit. He takes the day off work to go with her to the next visit so she can’t disclose anymore. He does not forbid her from going back to see the nurse; he doesn’t have to – she is too embarrassed and can’t cope with the silent treatment while she has a newborn baby.
She works in a professional setting and has a network of professionals around her. If something was really going on, she could turn to them.
She told her doctor (and friend) what her husband was doing. The doctor came out into the waiting room and told her husband that she was sending her and the baby to hospital. The doctor said she had mastitis, it was stress related. She told him his wife needed a break and to leave her alone to rest. She told the specialist at the Private Hospital to keep her in for as long as he could. Her husband was abusive and she needed a safe harbour. He came to visit her at the hospital, against strict instructions. The nurse let him in. His actions let her know she was not safe. She didn’t want to see him. He wanted to let her know who was in control. Her opinion didn’t matter. When they went to family court she looked like a liar. The doctor did not document in her notes what had happened. The doctor was trying to help. It impacts on a professional woman’s reputation if it get’s out that she is a victim of domestic abuse.
She’s so fit and healthy. You couldn’t look like that while being abused.
He would cook regularly. What a good husband! He would withhold her food. When it was time to serve up, he would say, “You aren’t really hungry, are you” and would give her a tiny portion of food. He would ensure the children ate all the leftovers so there was nothing left. He would withhold her food so much, that when she was training for a triathlon she got so sick her body started to shut down. It went into starvation mode to try and keep her alive. “You need to learn how to eat properly,” he said. When they ended up in the Family Law Court, he told the court psychologist that she starved herself, that she withheld food, insinuating she was psychologically unstable.
They seem so in love and so happy. That is not what an abusive relationship looks like.
She knew how important it was to keep appearances up or else she would be punished, retaliated against. It was dangerous to show the cracks to the outside world. She pasted a smile on her face. She pretended life was good. She became well practiced at masking. She didn’t dare question him or challenge him in public. Last time she reminded him in front of his family that he needed to help her, he left her to drown in the ocean while 8 months pregnant with his child. She then got back on the ferry exhausted, injured and bleeding, smiled for the family photo and went back home.
If you or someone you know is experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, domestic, family or sexual violence call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, chat online via 1800RESPECT.org.au or text 0458 737 732. If you are concerned about your behaviour or use of violence, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit www.ntv.org.au.