Someone wise once said ‘Things end badly otherwise they wouldn’t end‘. From my experience of divorce truer words have never been spoken. It doesn’t matter if your relationship has a slow and steady decay or it went bad overnight – when it ends, it’s not a good feeling.
One day you’re in a vibrant healthy relationship and then you aren’t. In this state it’s already hard to think clearly but, on top of this, when a relationship breaks down you are swamped by a myriad of feelings. Pain, regret, disappointment, relief, frustration, confusion and futility are just a number of those feelings you might have to process.
There is also that sense of having to start over. On the one hand that is liberating but on the other it feels like too little too late. When a relationship ends it’s hard not feel as though you’ve lost years you will never get back.
Divorce alone is hard enough but when you throw young kids into the equation it is tricky terrain. Even if you have an amazing relationship with your ex-partner, to some extent, the kids are inevitably going to feel like pawns who are stuck in the middle.
So how you do successfully fight off the constant feeling of being overwhelmed? For me, it was about making a big checklist and taking care of the things I could control. The things I couldn’t control I wasn’t going to worry about. This was my plan.
Step one: I moved back in with my parents. It might not be ideal but at least I had the ability to do so. Just the bare essentials came with us and the rest of it went into self storage. At this stage, it was all about the necessities and material belongings were not high on the list. Everyone knows there are going to be sacrifices and that might include going without a few things for a while.
Step Two: Return routine and normalcy to life as much as possible. A massive life changing process like divorce is difficult and overpowering because there is so much to process at once. New schools, no car, new house and far less money are just some of the many things I had to deal with. Routine and rhythm help me to create some stability. (I am slowly but steadily working towards this).
Sitting down to eat dinner together at the same time each night really helps. Not only does it provide routine but it’s an opportunity to talk to each other. This helps to fight the sense of isolation and loneliness that.
Step Three: Keep looking forward. The past is in the past. Mistakes have been made and things that shouldn’t have been said were said. Nothing I can do can change what’s happened in the past. The moment I look back and wonder about everything I could have done differently is the moment I will find myself heading towards a bottle of vodka. Instead I try to look forward and concentrate on my future. Whatever happened before now is in the past. You have to appreciate that you wouldn’t be doing what you are doing unless you cared about your future. That is something to look forward to.