Over the last 25 years, I’ve spoken to and worked with thousands of survivors of coercive control as a Shelter Manager, Senior Government Investigator, and domestic violence sector leader. I’ve also experienced abuse myself.
But it was only recently, during the recording of a podcast series with a group of incredible Lived Expertise Advocates I work with that I realised just how common one aspect of abuse is when you’re living under coercive control, and just how debilitating and all-encompassing it can be. And we’re not talking about it much – yet. And we should. It’s sleep abuse.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that a person uses to dominate and control another person, often in intimate partner or family relationships. The tactics can be subtle and insidious, are designed to make a victim compliant with an abuser’s wishes, and create a fear of “defying” the abuser. Resistance to the abuser’s demands will always come with consequences.
In a recent review of domestic homicides in NSW, coercive control was found to be present in the relationship in 111 of 112 cases. Now, in NSW, coercive control against an intimate partner is illegal, with an offence coming into effect on the 1st of July this year. Queensland will follow in 2025, and other states are considering following this path, attempting to address the scourge that more than one in four Australian women experience during their lifetimes.
Among the various kinds of abuse that sit under the coercive control umbrella, sleep abuse can be deeply damaging, across many health domains. Sleep abuse involves deliberately disrupting, depriving, or controlling a person’s sleep patterns as a means of exerting power and control.
Sleep is a fundamental human need, as any parent of a newborn will tell you. It’s essential for our physical health, cognitive function, and emotional well-being. Disrupting sleep can have both immediate and long-term effects on a person’s body and mind. Someone using coercive control may prevent a victim from sleeping by waking them repeatedly through the night with sexual demands, insist they stay awake for long periods, or demand they sleep with sounds, lights or conditions tailored only to the abuser’s preferences.
One survivor I spoke with recently talked about how her partner would start arguments late at night, exactly at the time she was getting ready for bed, and then continue with loud, circular accusations, demanding she respond until the early hours of the morning. She then had to rise early to tend to her three small children and was continually exhausted.
Another talked about how she did shift work, not returning from her nursing job until the early hours of the morning, and her partner repeatedly woke her at 5am for sex before he left for work, even after multiple requests to leave it for a more suitable time. When she took to sleeping in another room, not even a locked door stopped him. He broke it down.
An ongoing lack of sleep can generate severe cognitive impacts, weakening the victim and increasing their dependency on the abuser. They may “cave in” to an abuser’s demands and concede in arguments because they’re simply too tired and emotionally vulnerable to do anything else.
Over time, sleep deprivation can result in impaired cognitive function, a weakened immune system, an increased risk of anxiety and depression, and a heightened risk of chronic health conditions such as heart disease and diabetes.
Other survivor experiences that have been shared with me include an abuser creating an environment that is uncomfortable or unsafe for sleep. For example, the abuser might regularly stride into the room where a victim is sleeping and switch on lights with no warning, or otherwise create loud noises, like slamming cupboards and dropping things so a victim wakes in fright.
They might also refuse, point blank, ever to get up during the night to attend to children’s needs, meaning that the sleep-disturbance load falls entirely on the victim. Over time, this can erode the victim’s sense of autonomy and competence, as they are denied the basic right to manage their own sleep.
What are some other impacts of sleep abuse? Well, as we know, sleep is essential for the body to restore itself, including memory formation and consolidation, healing from injury and emotional regulation. Without adequate sleep, the victim’s basic ability to function in daily life can be severely impaired.
They may struggle to concentrate, make decisions, and manage important day-to-day tasks like driving children to school where safety and attention are essential. This cognitive impact can make it more difficult for the victim to recognise coercive control in their relationship, to seek help, or to take steps to protect themselves.
It can also contribute to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), particularly if this occurs in combination with other forms of trauma, such as sexual abuse. The victim may develop pervasive fear, generalised anxiety and hyper-vigilance. If an abuser continually uses forms of sleep abuse, the victim may spiral into a pernicious insomnia, making matters worse.
So, how do we combat sleep abuse as part of coercive control? Firstly we acknowledge it and start talking about it. Many survivors I’ve spoken to mention control of, or interference with sleep almost as an afterthought to the other kinds of abuse they experience. Once we acknowledge it as part of abuse, we can develop bespoke strategies for survivors to recover from it through appropriate medical and psychological care.
Secondly, we recognise just how common it is as a feature of coercive control. Most of the survivors I’ve spoken with in the last 18 months have described this occurring when I’ve asked them directly about it. For many, that’s been a lightbulb moment, and a revelation.
Thirdly, we can think about evidence gathering for law enforcement as part of a coercive control or domestic abuse offence, or to support an application for a protection order. Accountability for abusers who use this pernicious and damaging tactic needs to be a part of preventing abuse in the future.
Annabelle Daniel OAM, Founding CEO of Women’s Community Shelters, has worked with local communities around NSW to establish, open and support the 11 crisis shelters in the Women’s Community Shelters network, plus establish new transitional housing, and three large-scale meanwhile-use homes for women aged 55+ experiencing homelessness. She continues her efforts to create more crisis shelters and preventative programs addressing domestic violence and women’s homelessness in New South Wales and Australia.
Annabelle’s volunteer roles include Chair of Domestic Violence NSW (the peak body for domestic and family violence services in NSW), and the Independent Member on the New South Wales Coercive Control Implementation Taskforce, leading the Domestic and Family Violence Sector and Lived Expertise Reference Groups. She has been a leader in women’s homelessness and DFV for over 15 years – also working on the front line as a Shelter Manager, and with the Federal Government as a Senior Departmental Leader within Services Australia, overseeing the Child Support Program, and as a Senior Investigator with the Commonwealth Ombudsman.