Women are told to change a lot of things about how we behave in the workplace. Unfortunately, we’re not always told to just be ourselves.
We’re told to ‘lean in’, but not too far. We’re told to be assertive, but then less aggressive. We’re told to dress charismatically, but then to not stand out. We’re told to be just the right level of emotional, but not informed what that right level actually is.
Indeed, according to author, commentator and advertising guru Jane Caro, women are caught in a double bind at work, something she writes about extensively in her memoir Plain Speaking Jane. If you’re not considered brilliant, you’re undervalued and dismissed. If you are considered brilliant, you’re scary and difficult. Caro’s been on both sides of the spectrum.
Speaking today at our Sydney networking breakfast, Caro shared some of her many stories and experiences of being a troublemaker, breaking into the still male-dominated world of advertising, being a working mother, and learning to cope with anxiety.
She had many messages for the women in the room, but her ‘be yourself’ call to action was one that really had heads nodding.
“I keep saying to women there is no right way to be a woman. A woman is always wrong,” she said.
“We keep getting told by well meaning people that we need to change. Lower your voices ladies, you sound too shrill. Dress appropriately ladies, but not too masculine. Lean in, but not too far. Lean out but not too far. Be assertive, but don’t be difficult. Stand up for yourself, but don’t be pushy.”
You can’t win, so why bother with the race? You may as well just be yourself.
“If everybody’s going to judge you harshly whatever you do, you may as well be yourself and stuff them. Trying to turn yourself inside out to be liked, won’t work. And it’ll just make you feel worse about yourself anyway,” she said.
“You can be slack. You can put on weight. You can not exercise”, added Caro. “You can sit there on the lounge and lift your legs while your husband vacuums under your feet, and feel no shame.” Caro does, she said she really enjoys it.
“You can even be a lousy mother. In fact your kids might be better for it. The truth is your kids will disappoint you and you’ll disappoint your kids in the long run. So you may as well relax and enjoy them, instead of worrying about whether you’re a good parent or not.”
“We are all so worried about what other people think,” she said. “They’re never going to like us. We’re women. We’re wrong. So just be as wrong as you can possibly be, in my view. “
So we should all just give up on living up to the conflicting standards of others, and just be ourselves.
“I think that might be the only thing that actually does change the world, and it’ll certainly mean that women will stop wasting their time and energy trying to please other people.”
Jane Caro’s book Plain Speaking Jane is published by Pan Macmillan Australia and is available in good book stores.