If you look at their LinkedIn profiles, you see success. Senior roles. Impressive titles. Side businesses. Volunteering. The kind of CV that says, “This woman is going places.”
But if you sat in on my coaching sessions with them, you’d see something else.
Tired eyes. Racing thoughts. A constant sense of being “behind”. Guilt for not doing more at work, and guilt for not doing more at home. A nervous system that’s quietly screaming for a break.
These are ambitious women who have done everything “right” and are quietly burning out.
On discovery calls, I hear the same sentiments expressed from women just in different words:
- “I’m terrified that if I stop over-delivering, they’ll realise I’m not actually that good.”
- “Everyone thinks I’m coping. Inside, I feel like I’m one email away from losing it.”
- “If I slow down, everything will fall apart.”
Many of those I coach are not just in senior or leadership roles; they’re also the ones holding the home together, managing the mental load, often the primary caregiver and sometimes the main breadwinner as well. “Having it all” was the lie we were sold. What they actually have is three jobs and one nervous system that was never meant to handle that kind of load.
We talk a lot about women’s ambition, leadership and representation. We talk less about the nervous systems carrying that ambition, and what happens when success is built on chronic overextension.
The Hidden Cost of Traditional Ambition
Most of the women I work with have internalised a very particular script about success. It sounds like:
- Say yes to every opportunity.
- Prove you’re still committed after having kids.
- Be the safe pair of hands who never drops the ball.
- Be grateful for what you have. Don’t rock the boat.
Layered on top is the “good girl” conditioning many of us grew up with: be agreeable, be helpful, don’t make a fuss. We learn to be competent and accommodating, often at the expense of our own limits.
The result is a version of ambition that looks impressive from the outside but feels unsustainable on the inside. Women are over-functioning at work and at home, doing the emotional labour in their teams and their families, and quietly absorbing the impact in their bodies.
From a nervous system perspective, this matters. Our nervous system isn’t designed for perpetual high alert. It needs cycles of activation and rest. When we’re constantly “on” mentally, emotionally, logistically, the system doesn’t get to downshift.
It doesn’t always show up as a dramatic breakdown. More often, it’s a slow erosion of capacity and joy: brain fog, resentment, sleep issues, chronic fatigue, a sense of numbness or disconnection, and if left untreated, we can see autoimmune diseases present.
A Nervous System-Aware Model of Ambition
What if we treated the nervous system as a stakeholder in our careers?
Instead of asking, “How much can I get done?”, we might ask, “What level of output is sustainable for my body and brain over the long term?”
A nervous system-aware approach to ambition doesn’t mean shrinking your goals or abandoning your drive. It means building success in a way that doesn’t require you to sacrifice your health, relationships or sense of self.
Practically, this can look like:
- Redefining success: Including energy, time freedom and wellbeing in your definition of “doing well”, not just titles or revenue.
- Designing for capacity, not fantasy: Planning your weeks around realistic energy levels, not the superhuman version of yourself you wish you were.
- Honouring your limits as data, not failure: Treating exhaustion, irritability or brain fog as signals to adjust, not proof that you’re not tough enough.
Practical Shifts for Ambitious Women
Here are a few starting points I work on with clients who are ambitious and exhausted.
1. Boundaries that protect deep work and recovery
Some examples:
- Blocking out non-negotiable focus time in your calendar and defending it.
- Setting expectations about response times (“I’ll get back to you within 24 hours”) instead of replying instantly to everything.
- Having clear “off” times where you don’t check email – and communicating these to your team.
This isn’t about being difficult. It’s about creating conditions where your nervous system can move between activation and rest, rather than staying in a constant low-level panic.
2. Saying no without burning bridges
Many women fear that saying no will damage relationships or opportunities. In reality, how you say no matters more than the no itself.
You can:
- Affirm the value of the work or relationship.
- Be honest about your capacity.
- Offer an alternative if appropriate (a later timeline, a smaller scope, another person).
For example:“I really value this project and I’m currently at capacity with X and Y. If this is a priority, we’ll need to look at timelines or what can be deprioritised so I can do it justice.”
You’re not apologising for having limits. You’re inviting a conversation about priorities.
3. Micro-regulation in real time
You don’t need an hour-long morning routine to support your nervous system (especially if you’re a working parent). Small, consistent practices can make a difference:
- Taking three slow breaths before joining a meeting.
- Putting your feet flat on the floor and feeling the support beneath you when you feel overwhelmed. Better still, go outside and place your feet on the earth.
- Taking a five-minute walk outside between tasks instead of scrolling.
These aren’t magic fixes, but they create tiny pockets of regulation in otherwise demanding days.
Ambitious, Still. Just Not at Any Cost
The women I work with aren’t giving up on their ambition. They’re done with a version of ambition that requires them to override their bodies, ignore their limits and live in a constant state of internal emergency.
They still want to lead, create, build, and contribute. They just want to do it in a way that doesn’t leave them depleted and disconnected from themselves.
When they start working with their nervous system rather than treating it as an inconvenient side issue, things begin to shift in very real, practical ways.
They stop saying yes automatically and start buying themselves time: “Let me check my capacity and get back to you.” They leave the office on time more often, without carrying quite as much guilt home with their laptop. They notice the early signs of overload and adjust, rather than pushing through until they’re sick.
Their weeks don’t become magically stress-free, but the texture of their days changes. There’s a little more space between meetings. A little more honesty in conversations about workload at home and at work. A little more capacity to enjoy the life they’ve worked so hard to build.
A nervous system-aware approach to success doesn’t mean you’ll never have a stressful week or a late night. Life and work will always have their seasons. But it does mean you’re no longer treating your body as an afterthought.
Ambitious, exhausted, and done with hustle is not the end of the story. It can be the beginning of a different kind of success, one where your nervous system is not collateral damage, but a respected partner in the life you’re creating.