Admittedly, it’s a small case study (it consists of me) and I haven’t controlled for other factors so the results aren’t exactly empirical.
But it’s blowing my mind so I am going to share regardless. I need to credit this Instagram post which popped up in my feed a few weeks ago as my inspiration.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BRiLcj6g19e/?taken-by=jessheading
It immediately clicked with me, and I suspect it might click with many of you too.
If you have a tendency to succumb to guilt more often than you would like, the list of items on your “I should” mental tally at any point in time is likely long. And it’s not helping.
“I should” is disempowering – it creates a zero sum game. As Jess Heading points out, the trouble with ‘I should’ is you either feel resigned – if you do the thing, or guilty – if you don’t.
By way of contrast, using “I choose” is empowering. You are owning your decisions and creating freedom for yourself.
For example, you skipped the gym in favour of relaxing at home. Or, you went to the gym instead of relaxing at home.
You dedicated time to mentoring a work colleague instead of attempting Inbox Zero.
You rang a girlfriend instead of batch cooking a week worth of meals.
In each of those scenarios you could be tempted to “should” all over yourself, by ruminating on the things you didn’t do. It’s a particularly futile exercise in guilt when, as in the examples above, both options have merit: you could potentially feel guilt regardless of which option you picked.
But the thing is, you did pick something: you chose. And that’s an important distinction.
I chose to relax.
I chose to exercise.
I chose to work longer.
I chose to help a friend.
For me, being liberal with “I choose”, or ‘I chose’ and judicious with “I should” has been liberating. It is something I hadn’t paid much attention to until I saw this post. I soon realised I was doing it all the time.
Examining what you choose is important too. If you aren’t happy with the choices you are making, make other ones. Not out of guilt or obligation, but out of your own determination. There is a difference and it’s powerful to recognise.
Have you given “I should” the flick? Do you think you would benefit?