Soon I will broach the subject of encouraging you to consider setting up your friends. Before I do this, however, I will address the perceived hypocrisy in doing so just a few days after writing a story explaining why it’s time to render the stigma attached to women being single redundant. I say perceived hypocrisy because I don’t think it’s actually hypocritical.
Kate Bolick’s argument that life can be hugely rewarding and fulfilling without being in a relationship is not to say that being in a relationship is not rewarding and fulfilling. As Bolick explains, a person’s relationship status can be as fulfilling or unfulfilling as the other, depending on the individuals involved. (It’s also worth acknowledging the many and varied relationship statuses that exist between being “monogamous and married forever” and “single spinster living alone forever”.)
The perception that a female couldn’t possibly be happy without being in a relationship still lingers and that is what Bolick addresses and challenges. Personally I don’t believe whole-heartedly supporting that notion is mutually exclusive with recognising that having a person with whom you can intimately share life’s spills and thrills can be very rewarding.
In short, my position is that a relationship isn’t the only way to human fulfilment but when it’s the right relationship, when it’s what both people want, it can be. And in that regard there is purpose in seeking such a relationship out. Which is how I now turn to the vexed issue of arranging dates for one’s friends.
The subject came up over dinner with two friends last week. Both of these women are smart and successful and whilst they not are sitting at home waiting for Mr Right to pop up, they are both open to meeting someone. The question of how to meet someone was where our conversation centred.
I mentioned, a little hesitantly, an initiative I’d been alerted to just a few days earlier.
Five in Five is a creative fundraising campaign that challenges single men and women to go on five dates in five weeks at the same time as raising money for social disconnection and youth homelessness charities.
It is the creative brainchild of two Melbourne-based sisters Andrea and Sally Tonkin who experimented with the Five in Five concept in February 2011. Within their own network of friends, 30 single men and women signed up and $3000 worth of fundraising later, they realised they had the potential for a great campaign.
In 2012 they opened the campaign up to the public, facilitated 1000 dates and raised $46,000. The campaign has also resulted in weddings, babies and a variety of short and long term relationships.
“Our motivation for starting the campaign came after observing our incredibly talented, clever, capable friends having such a difficult time with dating,” Sally Tonkin told Women’s Agenda. “It seemed the only option available to them was online dating, which while it may work for some, is certainly not for everyone. The ‘shopping’ approach to meeting someone can feel very unnatural and restrictive.”
They asked themselves why dating was easier for their parents and grandparents.
“Even though we are more ‘networked’ than ever before, why is meeting new people so hard?” Tonkin explains. “We came to conclusion that we’d lost the art of ‘setting up’, making introductions and recommendations. We’ve all become so self reliant and independent we no longer look to our community for support and connections.”
The reason I hesitantly raised this campaign over dinner is not because I didn’t believe it was a cracking concept; I just worried it would seem condescending to tell my talented, capable friends how to meet someone.
Which is almost the same reason I haven’t ever actually set up different friends and acquaintances in my world to meet one another for a coffee or a glass of wine. What if they don’t like each other and what if they don’t like me making the suggestion?
One of my friends responded to that quite persuasively; I believe she used the word ‘lazy’ before elaborating. “People are reticent to set up their friends in case it doesn’t work out. Just let us be the judge of that.”
It was the green light I needed to actually start giving numbers to the single guys and girls I know, and in the spirit of this year’s Five in Five campaign which starts on Valentine’s Day, I will ask you to consider doing the same. If it ends in marriage, we can be there with bells on and if it goes nowhere, what’s to lose?
If you want to know more about Five in Five check it out here. And yes, my friends, are both in.
Have you had any luck being set up or setting up friends?